I Feel God

"And there is no one who calls on Your name, who stirs himself up to take hold of You..."
I want to feel God.
The other day I was in a bad place, and I was just feeling very desperate in what I was struggling with. The pain felt to suffocating and sharp...almost like I couldn't even focus or see any hope. And I totally realize that what I'm going through doesn't deserve such a dramatic description or emotion attached to it. However, loneliness would probably top my list as one of the worst feelings in the world. It doesn't have to be about a guy (or girl) for loneliness to be something you feel. Someone doesn't have to die to make you feel lonely. Loneliness comes in many shapes and forms and usually, for me, it rushes in completely unannounced and with a blunt force that knocks the wind out of me.
To me, the most evident time of the loneliness I feel comes in the midst of a trial. It's that moment when I know God doesn't fail me, but the stretch in front of me is so foggy I can't see past my blinding tears. When I know faithfulness is a fact, but sadness is so overwhelming that I can't comprehend feeling any other way. See, my loneliness isn't about wanting a guy's shoulder to cry on, or wanting someone to tell me "everything's going to be okay", it's that time when I just want to feel my Savior. I believe in His promises, I believe He holds me up in my weakest times, but I want to FEEL Him hold me up. Every part of me aches for Him to sooth my pain and brush away the last tear.
If there was one thing I could change, it would be that in order to build character, we didn't have to have our hearts broken prior. Again, place what you will there, whether it be a guy (or girl), a loved one passing, or just someone being taken out of your life for whatever reason. I think He has to break our hearts emotionally through someone that physically let us down to show us the faithfulness He brings in His promise to never leave us or forsake us.
Again, the hardest part for me to be comforted by God Himself, is that He's just a still small voice, He's pages that I read and prayers that I whisper. The absence of the physical presence of God is such a strong reason for me to give up easily or doubt continually.
Every trial I enter is harder, but everytime I leave I'm a little bit stronger. Every new one I walk through becomes a little bit easier through the grace of my Companion that never leaves my side through any of it.
So I was just wondering when I read that verse "There is no one who stirs himself up to take hold of You..." God never leaves our side. He's always right next to us. He's taking in all of our complaints, and bellowing, and dramatics. He hears us weep and watches as every single tear slips down our cheeks. He's sees us hug ourselves and look off to the side. But He's RIGHT there! We turn our gaze away and hug ourselves, but why don't we reach out to our comforter?! Why do we continue to bear the weight on our own when we can lean, and cling to the Sustainer? Why do we let this pain choke the life out of us and steal our breath when all He's wants to do is sooth it all away? We fight so hard to doctor ourselves, and figure it out "our way", but healing your own heart is a hard thing to do, am I right? Thank God we don't physically try these things, and trust the doctors that were placed here to do it. God breaks our hearts so that He can heal them, so that we can know He DOES heal, and that doing it ourselves only adds up to more pain, because we weren't meant to fight this fight alone. The comfort we offer each other is so natural and instinctual that it is totally obvious to me that we weren't given this pain only to cry by ourselves and sit in a dark room to keep it a secret.
It is a wonderful thing that I have come to realize that I CAN feel God. He comes through the people that encourage me. He comes through their hugs, and there love and comfort. He comes through when they hear your pain and pray for you, and walk through it with you. He comes through when I feel like despairing and wishing it all away. And when He brings us through....we would never wish we had been at a different time and a different place, because we see the necessity of the fire we walked through.
Something I would plea to you is this....
Cherish the people God has given you that care, that pray, that talk, and that love you. Cherish the people that will hear you cry and fluently remind you of God's promises. Cherish them because they are God's gift to you as a constant reminder that He does love you, and He wants you SO MUCH to feel it! I want to cry with how true this is! How wonderful that He does this! I'm just so overwhelmed by it! Tell these people how much they mean to you, and how thankful you are for them! If it wasn't 11:30 at night I'd be on the phone doing that right now! I see the people that are ministering in my life and I'm realizing that it is My Lover, My Faithful Companion ministering directly to me! How awesome and incredible!
Don't feel alone, because you never are!!!
Reach out to Him, He is walking right next to you!
Take hold of Him, all He wants to do is enfold you in His arms.

A Crutch and a Lifeline

It's hard not to feel fear.
It's hard to ignore the fear and anxiety that continually nag at your determination and distracts you from the truth.
See, that's just the thing...there is no truth in fear. It's unfulfilled situations and outcomes. One of my favorite quotes is, "Fear is false evidence appearing real."
Fear is false evidence and the only thing it accomplishes is provoking you to believe in something not proved, and to lie to yourself that it is the truth.
The pure truth is that fear is a crutch which destroys many people, but when casting that aside, trust is what gives you strength.
You cannot prevent most of your worries, but by dwelling on them you continue to feed into that fear and expand a problem that is not yet "a problem". Why do we do that to ourselves? Honestly, what is the point?
I wish I could answer that question for myself, but the longer I wrack my brain for an explanation, the less of a logical reason I come up with.
I think fear is placed inside of us to show how little our circumstances and future are under our own control. Well, duh. Yeah. We can make things happen with our words, we can make things happen with our hands, and every once in a while we can change some things with our "knowledge".
Though I can't stop another vehicle from veering into my lane. I can't stop the inevitability of a possible disease that might seep throughout my body later in life. Or maybe not so later. And those words that can "make things happen"? I can't shift into reverse and take those back.
Now that I consider that, I find it funny. We don't fear the affect of our words until the damage is already done. In fact, sometimes I barely think about what I'm about to say, and then I walk away from that situation and start picking apart every sound that came out of my mouth and how I could have possibly just blown it with that person.
We never fear for others. Yes, we have concern; and in cases of cancer and danger we have "fear" for those involved. But is the fear not usually for ourselves even in those situations? I fear the death of a loved one, because it would hurt my life, and I would miss them and want them back. I'm not claiming we never have genuine fear for others, that's not true. It's because of our love for others that we have concerns directed toward them. I am, however, realizing how great the role of selfishness that plays out in my own fear.
Yes, I fear my own death, but shouldn't I fear the death of another even more? Shouldn't my love for another person compel me to be placed in incessant fear for their safety and well-being? That's no way to live, but, when I'm gone, I'm gone. Fear will be farthest from my mind, because eternity will have just begun.
No, I selfishly fear when God will take someone I love before He takes me. The pain. The destitution of the love and support that person once offered me. I find it ironic that memories are my most cherished "possessions", yet the most painful "resources" I hold. I never want to forget them, but I never want to dwell on them either.
When I consider how much real, raw fear I have for death, it surprises me how little I think about the fear I should have for the aftermath of those I love. That's another place I see the selfishness in myself. So much time spent praying for my own situations and needs and wants and "desires" and never the ceaseless prayers for the saving of souls. Passion for the worries I create and manipulate to become justified, and indifference for the eternity of many. I think the state of Heaven or Hell is so incomprehensible that getting caught up in the reality of it is hard. I wish it wasn't. I wonder how many more intercessional prayers would be raised to the One who holds the entire world in His hands if I stopped fearing for my unpreventable tomorrow and out of love fell to my knees in a will to know and be confident that I will see the ones I care about again. If all my fear was focused on the flames of Hell and directed by that into a dedication of prayer for others.

"I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears."
-Psalm 34:4

"While Jesus was here on earth, He offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the One who could rescue Him from death. And God heard His prayers because of His deep reverence for God. "
-Hebrews 5:7

Yay No Perfection Needed!!!

Ceaseless temptation slowly calluses our conscience. The onslaught of overwhelming desires drive us past right and straight into selfishness. Lacking the will to take hold of God's principles allows us the excuse of claiming we can't help ourselves. Striving for good is no longer an option, because the moment we fail everyone will know we aren't the picture perfect "colored inside the lines" Christians we've continually tried to portray ourselves as.
See, the mess we get into when we try to prove our faith to others and show how "Jesus focused" we are, is that is takes the credit away from God and places it on ourselves. Claiming we've fought and taught our own way to this misconstrued "perfection." Let me state something else in that, too...none of us will ever even scratch the surface of perfection. Perfection is a black hole in and of itself that only Jesus Christ has ever dwelt in or physically lived out. It is impossible for us to enter and it is impossible for God to leave. Though, let me state this, also (trying to avoid seeming too gloomy and trying my hardest to state all aspects) the God who is perfect does not require us, by our own strength, perfection in return. He gave us the law to show us our lowly state and voided it to show us His eternal grace. Stop working to live up to standards and rules and regulations, and simply seek Him and allow Perfection itself to work in you. If God is moving in you, the very last thing He needs you to try and do is prove it for Him. It's called "self-righteousness" and it's the whole reason the Pharisees were looked down upon by Jesus. God's Spirit is quiet, meek, humble and kind. Whenever I've been around someone who tries so hard to put themselves on some sort of display of "Godly" behavior and speech, its always a bitter encounter. I find myself thinking that if I don't talk like that and act in that way, I must not be a very good Christian. I feel belittled and stupid...I'm sure all of us have at one time or another, but there is a great irony within that, if it is a Christian who is causing others to feel that way. This faith is not an act to be performed, it is a lifestyle and "humble" should be the word used to define our character.
You know, if this faith for so many people wasn't about trying to prove things to others, but was solely about God's mercy, then maybe during the times we see others fail they'll feel more welcomed to approach us for prayer and encouragement. Rather than shaming away out of embarrassment and humiliation. I'm not saying they shouldn't feel shame and humiliation for their sins, they should. But our sympathizing with them should be evident. Just as much as they have fallen and committed an act again against God, so have we in equal form...in excess and in never-ending repetition. We constantly re-juggle different rules and regulations to live up to a certain standard, but to no avail. The recognition of every wrong act we commit and the conscience that whispers that fact, was not given to us so that we might write up a plan or make a sketch of "The Way to Sin-lessness 101" but to show us the necessity of God, who takes away the sins of the world. If any of us could manage to perform our way to perfection, we wouldn't need God's grace.
I would encourage most people to not remind others of their sin (for that is evident to them), but to remind others of the joy of our salvation and the redeeming grace of the cross.
Remain humble in the many ways you approach others. Not as if they need you to be there, but that you are there if they need you. We always need to remember that each and every one of us is just as much a sinner as the next person and that "there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus" and if I am, or you are condemning someone else to magnify our own growth then we have both taken two steps backwards. Think of the magnificence of the way of God's Spirit and pray that He can move in you through that. If God is working in you then there is nothing you need to do to prove it. He will show others in a gentle way that radiates HIS glory.

"For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in our time of need."

-Hebrews 4:15&16

Psalm 77

(The Message)

"I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.
I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord; my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal.
When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right," I didn't believe a word they said.
I remember God- and shake my head.
I bow my head- then wring my hands.
I'm awake all night- not a wink of sleep;
I can't even say what's bothering me.
I go over the days one by one, I ponder the years gone by.
I strum my lute all throughout the night, wondering how to get my life together.
Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?
Will He never smile again?
Is His love worn threadbare?
Has His salvation promise burned out?
Has God forgotten His manners?
Has He angrily stalke off and left us?
"Just my luck," I said. "The High God goes out of business the moment I need Him."
Once again I'll go over what God has done, lay out on the table the ancient wonders;
I'll ponder all the things You've accomplished,
And give a long, loving look at Your acts.
O God! Your way is Holy!
No god is great like our God!
You're the God who makes things happen;
You showed everyone what You can do- You pulled Your people out of the worst kind of trouble,
Rescued the children of Joseph and Jacob.
Ocean saw You in action, God, saw You and trembled with fear;
Deep ocean was scared to death.
Clouds belched buckets of rain,
Sky exploded with thunder,
Your arrows flashing this way and that.
From Whirlwind came Your thundering voice,
Lightening exposed the world,
Earth reeled and rocked.
You strode right through Ocean,
Walked straight through roaring Ocean,
But nobody saw You come or go.
Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron,
You led Your people like a flock of sheep."

Do you ever think back over your day when you're lying in bed at night and repeatedly muse over certain situations that occurred? Think on the words you spoke and the things they reflected and how you could've spoken differently to make the outcome more positive? So many wasted words, and wasted actions that cut into our character and rip apart any self-satisfaction we once embraced. So many failed attempts to remain in hope and joy and charge forth with a goal to wipe out any frustrations and negativity you're feeling.
The Lord feels our battle. He hears our pleas of justification and sees our feet stumble over things that cross our path that shouldn't.
He sees us fall and stoops down to pick us up and carry us home. No matter how hard we try we can never live up to the standards we place over ourselves.
Contemporary love is that which feeds our flesh and joys in satisfying our sin. If we become satisfied in something we're doing, even though it may be wrong, what's to prick our conscience and stop us?
The shadow of things good isn't enough to mark who we are.
It has to be a desire and something we strive for, to search after things edifying and pure. Accountability to the things that give us a good character and place within us some level of integrity is what we need. Accountability and a will to strive for something better. Something that we know is more important. More important than this cul-de-sac of pity and self-righteousness we continue to run into and allow to direct us towards nothing and become relevant to who we are and what we do.
Good cries out, but is overwhelmed by evil.. What part of love was lost that to find it you must lose it? How many times have you not even realized the extent of your love for someone until they've gone? How many times have you not realized how much trust you put in someone until they've broken it? Why must it work that way?
Why do you sometimes have to find out a lie about someone to actually know the truth about them? Why do so many things in life seem to be oxymoron's? Why is doing the right thing usually the hardest to accomplish, when we know the sole focus of our character and integrity reflects the choices we make and on the way we choose to live.
The way we live makes no sense. We willingly indulge ourselves in things we are completely aware can harm us. Right doesn't matter if it doesn't benefit us. How selfish our nature is! We aren't placed here to benefit ourselves! What kind of purpose is that?!
To be humbly used by God for good.
That's a purpose.
I am unaware of what God can do with me when I'm close to Him, but my hope is that I'd be so focused on Him that my own realization would just remain and rest in His great work He is accomplishing in fallen me. That it wouldn't matter and I wouldn't see...but that the joy of serving Him would explode through me. I want to bless others through what God is allowing me to do in Him. A friend of mine brought up the point that our gifts are given to us to bless others..we shouldn't hide them or flaunt them. We should allow the Lord to use them through us to put them to use in the way He intended. Idk...it's all to complex...and yet, so simple. Isn't everything, though? If you read this...and you have something to say please say it! Don't stay quite, I beg of you. One thing is for sure..we have to encourage each other. We must.

"And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching." -Hebrews 10:23, 24

The Optimistic Battle

I want to find hope when hope seems lost. I want to look into the window of my soul and see desire for the good things. Desire for the things that actually matter. No more shallow findings or worthless treasures.
A lot less empty words full of platitudes and cliches and a lot more words that show and speak of the love I profess I want to share.
Less time continually focusing on the things that upset me and bring me down and more time focusing on what I can say and do to encourage others and lift them up.
I want to find grace in situations where no one in their right mind would ever find any. I want to give grace and seek out how I can put forth my best effort of love and kindness...so much effort that in turn it becomes effortless in itself.
Whether or not that's possible, I'm not sure, but limitless goals are beautiful, because we never stop striving for them. Giving up is not an option in this race. It's not a consideration, because the importance of finishing and the finish line itself is eternal life.
When I come to the end I will be so full of joy and peace there will be no more time for remembering my mistakes. My eyes will be so set on and focused on the One who relieves me that all my negative feelings will promptly melt away.
How can I not look forward to that day?
I want to feel expectancy that cancels out my worry and puts to death any anxious thoughts that threaten to choke my peace of what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow represents the future time that God can use me.
I want my attitude to reflect and capture a calm serenity with an even undisturbed temper that joys in aiding to make situations better, not create irrational arguments with people for the sole purpose of proving an unnecessary point.
There is more integrity in stopping arguments even when being accused, then defending yourself and prolonging them though you are right.
I want to have no reason to be ashamed to look anyone in the eye and smile, even if they don't like me. I desire the Lord so much to move me in these things. None of it I could possibly accomplish on my own.
Forgiveness in and of itself is something so against human nature.
Forgiveness is all about grace. Even when no one would ever consider grace an option, it is.
Grace is always an option.
Think about it...if someone has done something that actually needs forgiveness, do they actually deserve forgiveness? At least, in our eyes?
As much as we (Christians, non-Christians) do forgive, because it's right, no one ever really deserves to be forgiven, because if they are in the position where they need forgiveness, then that means they've done something wrong.
And that is why forgiveness is all about grace. Even when they don't ask for it and even when they still believe they are in the right.
That is one of the biggest ways the Lord can work in us and use us to show who He is because His whole message to us, and everything Jesus Christ and Christianity represents in grace.
With out it there is no love story.
Think of where you should be and think of where God has allowed you to be, and think of the unfailing joy that should bring you.

"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so. Do not say to your neighbor, 'Go, and come back, and tomorrow I will give it.' Do not strive with a man with no cause, if he has done you no harm." -Prov 3:27,28, 30

The Mystery

Please let me know what you guys think of this...Okay so I'm going to be really honest with you...today was one of those days. One of those weird days. Seriously, ever have one of those times where you are completely fine and happy an in the time span of half an hour you suddenly feel this creepy foggy type of saddness slowly start to rest in the back of your mind.....and heart...and spirit. It frustrates me SO much! Especially when I honestly don't know why I'm sad, or really have no reason to be sad in the first place. I think to myself, "What is wrong with me?! How the heck can I go from happy and peaceful to slightly sad all over?" It makes me feel like a bad Christian...I shouldn't be defined as emotional or confused. And...(I know you probably won't believe me)...I'm honestly not a very emotional person...at least, not about the small things and not normally in the sense of saddness. My thoughts might be flying all over the place..but it normally doesn't get me down. But, man, when I get one of those funks thrown at me out of nowhere...it gets me. Not only do I hate feeling that way...it's hard, in the moment, to imagine NOT feeling that way...Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how much encouragement we receive from the Lord. I mean, thats all He ever offers us! Only words of hope, love, joy, kindess, mercy, grace, peace...He never puts us down or condemns us or discourages us. I've been thinking about how incredibly cool that is..and it really has made me more joyful lately, focusing more on what I have and less on what could go wrong. There's more peace. I was talking to my friend the other day and we were discussing how easy it seems for Christians to be anxious and worry about the future. We all want to get married and have kids and have a great career and a nice house in a good neighborhood with a pristine white picket fence bordering the sidewalk and the sun shining nicely up in the corner. I want that. Oooh boy do I. I want to live Leave it to Beaver style.That sounds so good until it hits us...that thought.."What if that doesn't happen?"It's so easy to strive after what you want God to do for you. I want my future to be evident to me now, of course, only if it pans out the way I was hoping. I want to have the perfect "Christian" thing to say..and I want everyone to notice. I want the perfect friends and circumstances to walk me up and open the door to my perfect job with my perfect salary which offers me no financial worries of the future and grants me the opportunity to drive my beautiful car in the suburbs of the city of my choice. I want to never feel the grief of losing someone I love. I want to discover and embrace the aid of some sort of "happiness high" in life that allows me the constant window of "the brighter side". I want every choice I make to be beneficial and I want every choice to matter. I want no more pain. I want to never be hurt by someone ever again. I want all of those things...I want God to work like that.The cool thing about God? His ways are not our ways.Even cooler? His ways are absolutely perfect.Nothing can be added to them and nothing can be taken away.Why the pain then? Why must we feel that pain?Think of it this way...in life, physically, it is a necessity to grow. If you don't grow you die. You MUST grow in oder to continue living. There is no other alternative. Sometimes growing hurts, sometimes growing reveals something physically wrong with us. Sometimes growing mentally is hard because it adds the weight of responsibility to what people expect of you. And if we don't grow mentally we remain in a certain constant state of imaturity which then effects where and what we can do in life.Growing spiritually is the same way.We must grow spiritually for God to move us and bring us forward. And it can hurt sometimes. A lot. It is through that pain that we grow and become closer with Him. But no matter where we go or what our future is...He is in control of it all. It's all taken care of and it is all perfect. I don't need to worry about where it will lead me because it's exactly where it needs to lead me. Nothing I can do will make it more for me or better....even if it doesn't hold the exact image of what I think I'll need to be content and happy.In all this realization and all these thoughts that have literally in a sense freed me from so much worry and discontentment, I still struggle.The worst part of my strugge is lying inbetween the line of saddnes and joy. I'm striving for joy and I'm so excited about the Lord and full of His peace and love and everything within me desires to be wholly satisfied in that. Then that small prick of saddness pokes me in the eye. I don't want to be sad! But Satan does. It makes perfect sense that at the time I'm being overwhelmed by joy and peace that he would whisper in my ear discouragement and press saddness down upon my back..and what makes even more sense is that the source of the saddness would be something I couldn't identify. What's worse than to feel sad and also have no clue what to do about it! Grope for His encouragement. Cling to it. With everything you have hold onto it. Sometimes it's all we've got. It's also the greatest thing ever....for real.