Quiet Thoughts

"I will wait for you" by Official P4CM Poet JANETTE...IKZ

2011-12-29T17:11:00.000-08:00

This is the video that goes along with my last post..enjoy :)

I Will Wait for You

2011-12-29T17:09:00.000-08:00

This is an amazing poem....I've posted the poem itself and the video along with it. This really hits home for me. I appreciate all that she says, and am so thankful God had her put her thoughts/desires/prayers into words to share with us all. It's beautiful and true..listen/read and soak in every word. “I Will Wait…for You” — Janette IkzSo it seemed, that it was cool, for everyone to be in a relationship but me..So I took matters into my own hands… and ended up with himHim who displayed the characteristics of a CHEATER, a LIAR, an ABUSER, & a THEIFSo.. why was I surprised when he broke into my heart?I called 911, but I was cardiac arrested for aiding and abetting,Cause it was ME who let him in…Claiming we were “just friends”..It was already decided for me by the first date, that even if he wasn’t!I was gonna make him ‘The One’..You know… I was tired of being alone,And I simply made up in my mind, that it was about that time so I decided to drag him along for the ride,Cause I was always the bridesmaid & never the bride..A virgin in the physical, but mentally just a grown woman on the corner in heat!Who was tired of the wait!So I was gonna make him ‘The One’.He had a… form of Godliness… but not much..But hey, hey I can change him! So (honey) I’ll TAKE him, I mean he’s close… enoughReady to sell my aorta for a quarter, not knowing the value of its use to meArties so clogged with MY will, it blocked HIS Will from flowing through meSo, I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack,That flatlined my obscured vision, put me flat on my backThrough my ignorance He sawed,Through my sternum He sawed & cracked open my chestTO transplant Psalm 51:10A new heart & a renewed right spirit within!So now I fully understand,Better yet I thoroughly comprehend,How much I NEED to wait… for You.See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t you from the beginning..Cause in the beginning was the WordAnd he didn’t even sound or shine like Your SonOut of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,And all he could whisper was sweet, empty nothings –Which meant NOTHING.He couldn’t even pray when I NEEDED him toAsking him to fast would be absurd!So forget about being cleansed & washed with water through the Word…But I know You.. ♥You were already praying for meEven never having met meLet me assure you, I will wait for you.I will no longer date, socialize or communicate with carbon copies of youTo appease my boredom or to quench my thirstiness I have for attentionAnd short-lived compliments from ‘sorta kindas’.You know…. He ‘sort kinda’ right, but ‘sorta kinda’ wrong?His first name LUKE,His last name WARM.I, I won’t settle for false companionshipI won’t lay in the embrace of his arms,Attempting to find some closeness,But never feeling so far apart cause, I just wanna be heldCause ♫”all I gotta do is Say” No!NO more ‘almost sessions’ of ‘almost coming close’Passing winks & buying drinks,I’ma, I’ma, I’ma flirt!♫Who flirts with the ideology of,‘Can you just tell me how much I can get away with & still be saved?’NO more.I’ll stay in my bed… alone, and write poems, about how I will wait for you He won’t even come close,Our fingers won’t even interlockWe won’t even exchange breathCause I have thoughts that I’ve ‘saved as’ in a file that God has only equipped you to open.I will no longer get weighted down,From so-called friends & family talks,About the concern for my biological clockWhen I serve the Author of Time.Who is NOT subject to time,But I’M subject to Him,He has the ability to STOP, FAST FORWARD, PAUSE, or REWIND at any given time…So if we could role play,You would be Abraham & I would be SaraOr you can be Isaac & I can be Rebecca – a servant’s answered prayerI am bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh,Made up of your rib Adam!And once we meet, like electronsI will be bound to your nucleus, completely indivisible atom.We even speak the same math: 1 + 1 + 1 = 3, which really equals 1 if you add Him.We were all created in His image,But you have the ability to reflect, project & even detect the Son.If I were to explain what you looked like,You would have to look like a star,A son of the Son..I would gain energy simply from the light on me.I would need you , in order to complete my photosynthesisI await your revelation, but once again from the genesis, I will wait for you ♥And I will know you… because when you speak I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom,Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses,Your faith will remind me of Abraham,Your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel,Your inspiration will remind me of Paul,Your heart for God will remind me of David,Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah,Your integrity will remind me of Joseph,And your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples,But Your ability to love selflessly & unconditionally will remind me of Christ.But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks,Cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.And you will know me, and you will find me,Where… the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth.Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary,Which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hanna.I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31… waiting for you.But to my Father, my Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earthOnly if you should see fit…I desire Your will above mine,So even if you call me to a life of singleness,My heart is content with YOU – the One who was sent.YOU are the greatest love story ever told,The greatest story ever knownYou are forever my judge & I’m forever Your witnessAnd I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s businessOh, I will always be Yours!And I will always wait for You Lord, more than the watchmen wait for the morning…More than the watchmen wait for the morning… I WILL WAIT ♥

Is It Worth the Wait?

2011-12-17T21:11:00.000-08:00

"To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. So is to trust that something will happen to us that is far beyond our imaginings. So, too, is giving up control over our future and letting God define our life, trusting that God moulds us according to God's love and not according to our fear. The spiritual life is a life in which we wait, actively present to the moment, trusting that new things will happen to us, new things that are far beyond our own imagination, fantasy, or prediction. That, indeed, is a very radical stance toward life in a world preoccupied with control."Henri J. M. NouwenI'm no saint, and if I were to put my level of patience on a scale from 1-10 (10 being extremely patient) I would probably be about a 4. Being called to this conviction of waiting (insert what you will in the blank of "what" it is you're waiting for...I'm talking about dreams here, not specific dates in time or your next paycheck.) I avoid writing about this specifically, not because it isn't a valid or extremely important part of my life or faith, but because part of me feels weak for even bringing this up. Waiting is something expected of me, that I'm suppose to do..patiently..and without reservations or hesitancy. The discouragements I may feel towards seeing nothing change is suppose to be kept quietly under wraps, and any loneliness or doubts that creep in is my lack of faith. These are not things others (or God) have told me..these are things I have told myself. I feel feeble or faithless even admitting that I'm lonely, or that I'm discouraged. You see, the burden of waiting would be so less never-ending (in feeling) if it was set on a timeline. Things may seem far away, but if you can just point out to when and where it comes into play it would be so much easier to travel down this path. How do you wait for something you're unsure will ever even exist? God's called me to this, and I have hope every new morning I wake, yet I would be denying the truth if I told you that I never wonder if all I'm waiting for in the end isn't even out there. There are so few who take this radical path in life. I want my armor to look all shiny and nice...I want my exterior to show a confidant, strong, steady person unfazed by what's around me, and by what I don't have, and by what other's do...So when I feel a crack in the facade surrounding my lonely heart, or feel the stilts trembling under my wearied legs all at once I feel like I've failed. I must be doing this all wrong, right? Otherwise I wouldn't even flinch at the thought of what I'm not seeing...I wouldn't blink or be fazed by what I'm seeing in the lives of others. Again I'm returned to the simplicity of growing...without pain, trials, or doubt, I would never become any more mature or stronger. I would be spoiled and on an instant satisfaction binge. I would throw in the towel every time I didn't receive an answer instantaneously. But you see, there's something about not waiting that I could never understand. Despite all I've just now admitted about doubting and feeling discouraged in waiting, I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my head around giving your heart up over and over again to different people, collecting the pieces, and divvying them up once again. I've been hurt by a person in that regard once, and the thought of something even remotely close to it ever happening again is...I'm not even sure what the right word is for it. The thing is, I didn't even realize I was sharing my heart...honestly I thought I was making a good friend..until I found out they were a complete and total fake and suddenly felt this overwhelming, crushing, smoldering feeling of loss and hurt. Obviously people don't go into relationships with the intention of being hurt, yet why do so many young people put themselves in an vulnerable spot to be hurt and taken advantage of? Don't you realize how special you are? Broken relationships aren't meant to happen...To someone out there you're worth waiting for, and I hope that you feel the same way when you think of being with someone forever. They're worth waiting for, because when the time finally comes there will be no scars to reveal, or hurts to be rehashed, or guilt to be uncovered.So here we are, waiting. Maybe waiting impatiently, but trying to understand and conceive how to be content, and how to be confident in what God is doing in our lives. I think I've realized, that maybe part of why God doesn't always satisfy our desires quickly, and why He allows this deeply rooted dissatisfaction and discontentment to be a part of our lives (even when we pray against it) is so that our stirring and longing for the homeland He has prepared will never vanquish or fade. I don't believe that desiring peace, or love, or healing in our lives is wrong...we are born with these desires, but I do think that our inability to comprehend and grasp the magnificence of what is waiting for us could allow perfect human love and peace to make us fearful, standoffish, reluctant, or sad to enter into the eternal promise we're awaiting. I pray for you and for me that we will all one day be blessed with earthly companionship and love, that we can all even simply scratch the surface of peace and contentment here on earth...but I pray that with every day of our lives that pass we will be filled with an even greater longing to be with Him and experience the wonderful things He has prepared for us. I don't think we'll ever have all the answers for why God has allowed certain things to happen in our lives, I've had so many friends walk away from this faith, and end up being almost completely opposite of who I thought they were..but even more so I've been blessed abundantly by who God has allowed in my life to encourage me, pray with me, and help me along this narrow, rugged path. Pray for your future, but don't allow fear or anxiety to cause you to waste time on what He has already figured out..your future is past-tense with God.

"Whom have I in Heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; but God is my strength and portion forever." Psalm 73:25, 26"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You, trust in the Lord forever, for in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength...O Lord, we have waited for You; the desire of our soul is for Your name and for the remembrance of You. With my soul I have desired You in the night, Yes, by my spirit within me I will seek You early.." Isaiah 26:3,8,9"For they shall not be ashamed who wait for Me." Isaiah 49:23"Be anxious for nothing, but in prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6,7

Grace at its Best

2011-11-16T19:25:00.001-08:00

Grace at it's best.

Grace at its best. Immediately my life in reverse flashes in my mind. As I mentally stroll back through the images and memories of what has been and where I've been I can't help but be overcome with the reality of where I should be if moral justice had been served to my conscience. If what I claim my convictions are, were lined up in front of God and taking His red sharpie He marked my mistakes and gave an outline as to which ones I have failed, I am sure I would crumble from shame. It's fair to say that if my heart were exposed for what it truly is, you would hate who I am. I've been slowly reading through C.S. Lewis' book, "Mere Christianity", and was struck by the part of the book where he talks about loving your neighbor as yourself. Immediately he asks, "How exactly do I love myself?" Answering that question is like unlocking this box of revelation, opening a door to a truth I never thought about..how do I love myself? He answers that he doesn't have a great feeling of fondness or affection regarding who he is, yet is not left with a difficulty of continuing to love himself. Knowing the deepest, most black parts of me, it is hard to feel great affection towards who I am. Don't get me wrong, I am saved by the blood of Jesus Christ, He has washed my sins clean from a slate of records, He has righted my wrongs, and thrown them as far as the east is to the west. Yet, knowing the ins and outs of my own heart and trying to get past that is hard. God may remove my sin, but I will always remember it...Even the times I may feel proud of myself for small accomplishments, or feel that I'm talented in a certain area or like I'm needed, again I find that I am disgusted with myself, for pride is a result of these things for me. But here is the catch that C.S. Lewis throws in- "However much I might dislike my own cowardice or conceit or greed, I went on loving myself. There had never been the slightest difficulty about it. In fact the very reason why I hated the things was that I loved the man. Just because I loved myself, I was sorry to find that I was the sort of person who did those things." There lies something I did not realize til now- if you want to unlock the mystery of God's love, grace, and mercy for us, unlock how we love ourselves. This is so deep and complex, I'm having difficulty even knowing how to write this out. Perfectly interwoven in our hearts is the phrase to hate the sin, love the sinner. Despite knowing every intricate detail about my heart and mind, I choose to look past that and give myself another shot. Despite knowing how I have failed, I have found a way to continue to pamper my ego and flesh, to meet my emotional needs, and try to cover myself in almost every situation. There may be times I make a conscious decision to do the right thing, but there have definitely been times I've made the conscious decision to do the wrong thing, and even in the times I make the right choice, there I am giving myself a pat on the back and a gold star, defeating the purpose of whatever "humble" or "godly" choice I just made. Believe it or not, the point of this blog post is not to beat you over the head with guilt or condemnation, but to show the clarity of God's love and grace. You see, as much as I hate all of those things that I admitted just now, and hate that they're true, I still cling to myself. I cling to the hope for my future, the hope for love in my life, and the hope for my well being. I cling to the things as simple as desiring that I'll have a good nights sleep, to the things as complex and unknown as my dreams and aspirations. I fear my own death, and the insecurity and loss I will feel with the loss of others. I dream of a contented fulfillment and pray against things that will harm me. In times of hardship and sadness I want only my heart to be healed, and search out what I can learn from that situation, and how it will make me stronger. And this is how God loves us....despite ourselves. Grace at its best is the silhouette of a Man hung between two trees, loving a thief more than His own life."Christianity does not want us to reduce by one atom the hatred we feel for cruelty and treachery. We ought to hate them. But it does want us to hate them in the same way that we hate that which is in ourselves: being sorry that the man should have done such things, and hoping, if it is anyway possible, that somehow, sometime, somewhere, he can be cured and made human again. We must try to feel about the enemy as we feel about ourselves-to wish that he were not bad, to hope that he may, in this world or another, be cured: in fact, to wish his good. That is what is meant in the Bible by loving him: wishing his good, not feeling fond of him nor saying he is nice when he's not."

More Than Those Who Watch for Morning

2011-08-07T19:31:00.001-07:00

Remember being a little kid, daydreaming about your future, and thinking of all the things that were going to happen? Remember back when you were young enough that thirteen sounded like a cool, old age, and twenty was a big, life-experienced adult?
When I was 10 years old, I had it all figured out where I would be in life by the time I reached 20. It was simply inevitable that I would be well on my way to an established career, the wind blowing through my hair as I glided along on my easily paid for convertible. No question that I would be confident in the job of my choice, I would know people and go places, acing my way through college, accompanied by my large group of friends, equally as smart and dignified as me. I would have 2 dogs, a cat, and be married (because ya know, by the time I was 18, I would have already roomed with a couple of my friends and gotten that fun experience out of the way.) We would live in a quaint suburb with that nice Leave it to Beaver fence surrounding that just perfect house I picked out. We would eat only the freshest fruits and vegetables, and be in perfect shape. A couple years later (I decided when I was 10, that I would wait until I was at least 22 to have any kids) we would have a baby, and it would be provided with only the best the world had to offer. I would balance being a great career woman and mother for a certain period of time, but because my husband made such good money, I could stop working and become a stay at home mom. Life would roll on as romantically and happily as ever...
Somewhere along the way the idea of what came after that blurred.
Shall I tell you the real story of my life at 20 years old? I'm taking a few classes at community college (completely unaware of what I'd like to do with my future), working part-time at a Chiropractor's office, driving a Saturn, still sleeping under my parent's roof, most of my friends are closer to 30 (or above 30)and have multiple children, and I'm (seemingly) very far away from having a relationship.
Daydreamy?
Romantic?
Hollywood script?
Fairytale life?
A 10-year old's thought up plan?
Nah.
At this point, my life has not winded around any corners I thought it should have, in fact...this road is pretty flat right now and stretched so long ahead of me that I honestly can't see where it's going. You know, I'm at that point in life, where I periodically think, "I wonder where I'll be a year from now?" I had a humbling thought the other night...I started to think that again, "Hmm..I wonder where I'll be a year from now.." then it suddenly hit me....I realized, that to what I feel is great shame, I'm no where different than I was a year ago. The only difference is my job.
Wait, but where is that guy?
Where is that epiphany about what direction I want to take my schooling in and what great career I have my sights set on?
Where is that big talent that sticks out so obviously in my life, that one that is to be noticed by all, and in turn lead me to the dream of doing something you love, and forking in the dough at the same time?
Where's the direction?
Where did my well thought out plan wind up?
Why am I so incredibly far from every place I thought I would be by now?
Did I exaggerate life when I was 10?
Probably.
But, like the selfish human that I am, I see others in a place that I swore was meant for my own life.
You see, this feeling of failure and lack of achievement, stems from a 10-year old's mind. I feel like I have failed in life because of where a 10-year old was convinced I would be. Relying on God takes a totally different tone and meaning when you literally have no clue where He's taking you, which, in turn, can make you feel as if He's not taking you ANYWHERE. It can be so hard to embrace something that goes against the grain of everything you think your life should be, and this preconceived idea of what the "perfect" life is, can rob you of the joy and simplicity of the fact that wherever God has you now IS perfect. A status is not what defines our lives, a perfect, predestined will, and intricate planning matched with a perfectness to what we need, is what makes it. I'm anxious and worried and sad over what I feel I lack, and where I feel like I should be, and through all this stressing over what I think is the farthest thing from perfect, I'm missing out on the gift of where my life really is, and not stopping to realize that...this is really, honestly, where I'm meant to be. Can we just stop and take a second and marvel at that?
You are right where GOD has placed you! You are standing in the spot that is cemented in His plans, perfectly, knowingly, and beautifully designed for exactly who you are! And tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, are perfectly planned out for where your future will go.
What a relief.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
And in His word I do hope.
My soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning-
Yes, more than those who watch for the morning."
-Psalm 130:5,6

2011-07-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

Who have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

-Psalm 73:25&26

A Hard Journey

2011-05-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

I can't explain to you how certain verses resonate with my heart. It's amazing when you read something, and it illustrates your heart perfectly, as if someone analyzed your emotional, and spiritual state, then chose to tell you about it...only these are from thousands of years ago.
It is safe to say that we all have specific areas we struggle in more than others. Not that we all don't lose patience, or have fears, or become angry at times, but I think if we all look at ourselves, and see where we are and where we've been, that we can point out a certain area that we have a rough time with. It's that thing that trips you up, that thing that instantaneously clouds your vision, or brings back memories, and reminds you of how you've messed up. That feeling that you can't get past this point, that life is just a long journey of heartache, and the farther you go, the more you realize what's really precious, but it's always too late...what you wished you could have held onto, is already out of reach. The things you ache for are broken, done, and gone. This struggle holds you in place, nails you to the floor, mocks you, and smacks you with every reminder of how worthless, futile, and forgettable you feel you are. Passion travels in many different forms, and not always in a form of love and excitement. Passion is defined as a powerful or compelling emotion or feeling. It is something fed off of. There's this passion in sin, that drives me to the ground, and overcomes me...depressing, lying, deceiving. The area I struggle with is anxiety.
Not anxiety about money, or about my future, or about work, or about school, but anxiety that goes beyond the physical.
Fear of things changing, fear of things staying the same, fear of who I'll lose, fear of who will take my place. Selfish, unwarranted fears. Fear of what I can't control, and fear of what others can. Fear of loving too much, and fear that I didn't love enough.
What trips you up?
What shocks your mind? What is it, that effortlessly pricks your heart?
Can't you see though, that with every aspect of life we feel is unconquerable, God has already overcome.
So often all I can focus on is what I'm fearing, when all that I'm fearing has numerous times been defeated by God. How quick I am to forget what He's brought me through. How quick I am to reject the peace He offers me, and so often I tend to wonder, does that then mean, that in some sick, twisted way I find comfort in what I fear?
Maybe in a way I do. Maybe I have for so long dwelt with this spiritual and emotional anxiety that I take comfort in it, because I know I still feel and that life is still moving. That's so not right though. I am constantly surrounded by a merciful, compassionate, loving God. I have no reason for these feelings, or this bondage.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm waiting for the day that things change.
Waiting and watching for that time, when everything I dreamed, and everything I planned, comes perfectly into order. That day when there's nothing off, nothing uncertain, and nothing failing...when peace never eludes me again, joy bubbles up and overflows inside of me, and hope isn't even needed, because everything I had hoped for has come to pass. When my dreams seem realistically attainable, and the talents I long to have suddenly beam with perfection. When shame no longer weighs me down, and the holes in my heart are filled. When I no longer give question to God's grace and mercy. When I suddenly understand and learn the lesson of every trial I have ever faced. When my flaws and imperfections have been covered up by my "mastering" spiritual beatitudes, and dedicating every moment of every waking hour towards being like Jesus. When these scars that reside in my mind, and on my heart, are healed forever. When I can look back on every hurt and pain of my life and say "it is well with my soul, God has freed me, and God has won." When reflection is only on the beautiful things of life.
I'd be lying if I didn't say I long for these things to be true, and that sometimes I feel as if I am at a place parallel opposite of everyone of those statements I made. I'd be lying if I said that I am always hopeful, always assured, and always excited for where life may go. I'm confident in God's plan...but I can't tell you that I'm always peaceful or even...expectant for whatever it may be. Honestly, about a month ago I was doing a lot of thinking and started telling myself that life is just one long journey of heartache. Constant death, constant dissapointment, constant warfare, constant mental and emotional battle, continuous fear and anxiety..only small amounts of peace; saddness, destruction, hurt, evil...and on the one hand I thought about how awful it was for me, as a Christian, to be thinking such negative thoughts..I started thinking that really only people without God should feel this way...but you know what? God wants us to long for Him..He wants us to long to be rid of this sin and saddness that this world penatrates us with..living in despair is not right, but longing to be with Him, and longing to leave this all behind isn't. "Oh Lord, we have waiting for You; the desire of our soul is for Your name and for the remembrance of You. With my soul I have desired You in the night, yes, by my spirit within me I will seek You early.."
There are many things we wish had never happened, there are many things we desire to get past, there are many things we hope to accomplish and achieve, but any way you slice it, I am in awe, and overly confident of what God has and will do in my life. If I never see the day when all my questions are answered, so be it, because my Lover, my Companion, has never, not once, left my side, and He remains there for all of eternity.

"Are You not the One who dried up the sea, the waters of the deep; that made the depths of the sea a road for the redeemed to cross over? So the ransomed of the Lord shall return, and come to Zion with singing, with everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness; sorrow and sighing shall flee away.
I, even I, am He who comforts you.
Who are you that you should be afraid of a man who will die, and of the son of a man who will be made like grass? And you forget the Lord your Maker, Who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth; You have feared continually every day because of the fury of the oppressor, when he has prepared to destroy. And where is the fury of the oppressor?
But I am the Lord your God, Who divided the sea whose waves roared-the Lord of Hosts is His name. And I have put My words in your mouth; I have covered you with the shadow of My hand...
Please hear this, you afflicted, and drunk but not with wine, thus says the Lord, the Lord your God, Who pleads the cause of His people:
'See, I have taken out of your hand the cup of trembling, the dregs of the cup of My fury; You shall no longer drink it." Isaiah 51:10-16, 21, 22

Love it to Pieces

2011-04-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

Places you'll never see again, people you'll never know again, children you'll never hold again. Life is precious, fragile, and temporary. Take every bit of life that you're pouring into, and don't let it leave not knowing, that without a doubt, you love it to pieces. "Regret" is a hard word to swallow. We all have those specific things in our past that we regret. Sometimes, I am so flooded with those questions without answers, and so broken and torn by every bit of life I'll never get back again. I look back and picture their faces, see their smiles, and hear their laughter, evoking me to love them and pour my whole heart and focus into them. The most dreadful part of life, is not knowing how soon it will change. Forgive me for sounding so...pessimistic right now. I am also confident and excited in what the future holds, but right now I am in a place of reminiscing, a place of reflection, and this is just my mind sorting through different things and figuring out what the truth is, and how I feel. There's this mystery in life. This fact, that at every given moment, you are influencing someone. There is someone out there, waiting for your response, anticipating your arrival, and treasuring the words you speak to them. Beware, that to someone else, the way you live your life takes residence in their hearts. There's a small, innocent child, that stops and takes notice of you, and a greater challenge, and nerve-wracking responsibility lies within the fact that how you love them, and how you display yourself to them,is costly. There are many souls, broken with confusion, and much too young to even attempt to try to piece together where things went wrong, and why there is so much hurt in their heart. Think on your own pain, and then think of the fact that every person you love and cherish has felt, does feel, or will feel that same, desperate, distraught, hopeless feeling. Find those people, find those children, and don't give them any empty space to fill with questioning how genuine you are. Remind them now, before it's too late, that God is with them wherever they go. That His mercy rises with each morning, and His joy with it. That even when all they feel is sadness, and everything is changed, that you love them from any distance, pray for them no matter how long its been, and hope, that time and time again you will see them. Don't miss out on, or not take advantage of the opportunity to pour into another's life. So valuable is the love of Christ, and so incredibly important is the right now. Sometimes NOW, really is the only time you have, so don't waste it, or leave it for someone else. Take every part of you that aches to be with Jesus, and use it to instill in that innocent child that you love them, and that who they are now, and who they will become is so important... Find those you love... Hold them tighter.. Pray for them harder... Talk with them longer... Share with them deeper... Be more honest, be more open, reveal every thought of how much they mean to you, so that one day, when you no longer have that opportunity, they remember that even if it's dark, and life is sad and lonely, God loves them, and you do too. Pour into others, love them to pieces...there are times it may hurt, but it's so valuable to them, and to be free of regret is a wonderful thing.

Peace Don't Leave Me

2011-04-02T19:24:00.001-07:00

Peace, don’t leave me.
Please, just stay.
I’ve felt you all but too briefly
And danced with you much too slowly
I feel this unraveling motion
This jerky sway
I beg, don’t leave me
I beg you to stay
Your comfort has cursed me
Your relief
Unnerved me
I am unable to contain you
Yet incessantly I try
So pleasurable your existence
So wonderful your smell
The feeling of you is weightless
The beauty of you transparent
How do I describe something most don’t have?
How do I define what I have no power to keep?
Peace, please remain with me
Oh, please don’t wander off
I have no idea where to find you
You have no idea the cost
When you leave me, Anxiety takes your place
Mocking every heartache
Inflicting every pain
Am I causing this myself?
Am I, really, the only one to blame?
I see nothing for miles
Only dirt, rock, and weed
I’m bleeding again
How did this happen?
I thought I was so careful
I thought I kept you at arms length?
I hate you for how you make me feel
I despise you with a passion
You tear at every established thought
And add to it what you like
Twisting the truth in ways I believe it
Making me feel as though I’m worthless
And if what I wish would never surface
Will literally overcome me
If my imagined reality will turn fiction to truth
How do I believe these things, when no one has given me proof?
Again, Peace don’t leave me
Please, I’m begging, stay
Overwhelm me fully
Remind me of grace
God make me happy
Calm this pounding heart
Remind me of Your passion
Bring beauty to Your art
Shed light upon this haunting shadow
Weave sutures to these wounds
Peace
I hate when I can’t find you
Frantically I search
No, not again
Lies no longer heard
Forget this Whispering Deception
Forget the things you’ve done
Your control of me has vanished
Have I won?
Thank God the past behind me
Thank God, I needed it
Sometimes Peace will leave me
But Faith will overcome

A Cherry Tree

2011-03-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

The cherry tree behind the house

Looks rather sad this season

Its leaves and fruit and bark look gay

But it just looks sad, with reason

Cause no one climbed the tree this year

Its branches held no friend

No tiny feet or hands or arms

Will cling to it again

But children do get older

And young pleasures fade away

Could time have marched as fast as that?

It seems like yesterday...

That they would laugh and climb and swing

The way all children play

I knew sometime that they would grow

To pleasures more serene

But did they have to stop this year?

What a very short time it's been

(This is a poem my Grandfather wrote a long time ago about his children and the cherry tree in their back yard. Sad and sweet, at the same time.)

Do Opposites Attract?

2011-03-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

Opposites attract.

To this day, that is one science lesson I'll always remember.

In physics, magnetic forces that are alike, repel each other, and the opposite sides attract.

I've got this inkling, that there's something more there, something whispering to be revealed.

Is that simple phrase, and yet literal truth, a definition of our state with God?

Many times the vastness of God trips me up, and leaves me feeling detached and in a place that seems unapproachable to Him.

How do I connect with Something..Someone, that in my state of sin cannot even look upon me?

How do I reach out to, and take hold of Something I cannot feel?

How do I notch down my pride, and surrender to Something that isn't heard in a great wind, or tremulous earthquake, or roaring fire....but a soft, still, small voice?

Where do I relate to Something blameless and holy?

How do I even attempt speech towards the Very One who holds my breath in His hands?

But...it's these very things that cause me to need Him.

These very things, cause me to naturally, and instinctively go after and cling to Him in an attempt to be protected, and also be removed from my present state.

It's an overwhelming thing when you reach the place of desperation and knowledge that this part of you that won't go away, this demon that keeps prying open the closet door, doesn't obey your voice.

That no matter how many times you've tried to reason your way out of your anxiety, the fear grows and builds and becomes stronger than your will to think on other things.

That as often as you've tried to control how you feel, your patience actually grows weaker and weaker, and you find yourself irritated by everything and anything.

That every time you swear you'll change, you fall harder and faster, burdened by guilt and overcome by shame.

That every time you promise not to be fooled, or hurt, or betrayed again...in walks another "prince charming", or "best friend", or "confidant", that find themselves also in a place where they can't avoid sin.

There's so much junk in this world.

So many wrongs that aren't being righted, so many people getting away with the things that they've done, and yet again so many "good people" that die too young.

Even more so, when you find yourself trying to walk this faith, suddenly there are so many people that you don't relate to anymore.

So often I feel blocked in.

Why are these walls so close, why are these fears so real to me?

I'm feeling for a groove, a nook, a crack, something to grasp...something to help me escape.

I'm jumping, trying to see over this obstacle.

I think it's maddening to God that I try so hard in my own strength to find a way out.

How many times does He have to show me where He is, and prove Himself faithful in order for me to cry out for help?

Is my pride really that full, that I can't simply ask for a hand when needing a way out of this mess I'm in?

Ah, but see when I'm thinking I've got it "figured out" and "know what I'm doing" I'm repelling myself from the One who really does.

It's our weakness that gets us to His strength.

It's His strength that binds up our weakness.

I'm so torn by what I can't do, by what I fail at, that I can't seem to fully accept and appreciate everything that is won over and accomplished FOR me.

Again, I think it comes down to that ridiculously human part of me, that doesn't understand forgiveness and grace.

What are these...pieces of God?

Forgiveness is never something that is deserved, and it is always sacrificial.

So if my whole faith is based upon something I, quite honestly, can't wrap my mind around, how will I ever feel....good enough in it?

Every attribute that God possesses, is an absurd distance ahead of me, and it feels as though I'm losing ground with every step I make.

But can't I see?

What would God be, if He wasn't incomprehensibly better than I?

What would I trust, what would I rely on, what would draw me in my moments of total failure and despair, if He wasn't everything that I'm not?

The greatest thing, is that these...blockages, aren't the beginning and end of this faith.

He loves me and He talks with me, and He molds me and brings new understanding, and invokes a wild passion to search out and rid of everything that separates me from Him.

A desirous fire that ignites with every prayer I pray and word that I read enthrals me to love because I am loved.

Every step I take further back from myself brings me closer to Him.

And every time I shed a little more of that flesh, He puts a little more of Himself in me.

Every time I realize how weak and hopeless, and....futile I am....the more I'm attracted to Him, because He is everything I'm not, and everything I should be.

"From where then does wisdom come?

And where is the place of understanding?

It is hidden from the eyes of all living, and concealed from the birds of the air.

Destruction and Death say, 'We have heard a report about it with our ears.'

God understands its way.

And He knows its place.

For He looks to the ends of the earth, and sees under the whole heavens,

To establish a weight for the wind,

And apportion the waters by measure.

When He made a law for the rain, and a path for the thunderbolt.

Then He saw wisdom and declared it;

He prepared it, indeed, He searched it out.

And to man He said,

'Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom,

And to depart from evil is understanding.'"

-Job 28:20-28

Breaking Us Down

2011-02-20T15:58:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like God doesn't give you room to breathe?
Have you ever felt like there's no relief in this walk?
I may not feel that way right now, but there definitely have been times when I cried out to God, begging, pleading, and desperately wondering why I must be trapped in this vicious cycle of hurt and reminder.
See, I'm starting to think that there's a thing to these times in our life where we feel like what we're going through is never going to end, or the times when we finally start to get our head above water and God (or so it feels) dunks us back under.
More than the situation itself, there have been literal times when I yelled, "Why can't you just let me forget? Why can't I bury this? Let me make it dead and over with, because I don't understand this...reopening of a wound. Why, once I feel like I have started to overcome, do You bring something to remind me, something to make it spring afresh in my mind?"
If you relate, then there's something you have to read.
Job.
This man faced more horror and anguish than most of us could ever comprehend.
This was a god-fearing man, with a high reputation.
In fact, God anointed him to have a 42 chapter book with his name, smack-dab on the cover.
And here are some of his words-
"When I say, 'My bed will comfort me, my couch will ease my complaint,' Then You scare me with dreams and terrify me with visions...I loathe my life; I would not live forever, let me alone, for my days are but a breathe...How long? Will You not look away from me, and let me alone till I swallow my saliva? Have I sinned? What have I done to You, O Watcher of Men? Why have you set me as a target, so that I am a burden to myself?"
"Show me why You contend with me. Does it seem good to You that You should oppress, that You should despise the work of Your hands?"
"Are not my days few? Cease! Leave me alone, that I may take a little comfort.."
It's not just the pain of the "situations" that we face that make it hard and hurtful to get through the day, and overcome them, but it's that feeling of confusion and incomprehension about what God's doing, or where He even is, that hurts the most.
Not just feeling like its never-ending, but almost feeling as if God has betrayed you, or finds some sort of pleasure in your struggle.
These aren't pleasant things to think on.
In fact, it's hard for me to dwell on this subject, because reminiscing down this lane, and re-familiarizing myself with these feelings is difficult.
Yet I genuinely believe there is something He longs for us to understand.
Wisdom is not gained through a cool pot of water.
Wisdom is gained through a refiners fire.
A lump of cold metal has no purpose.
We must be put through flames, until we are ready to be molded and shaped, and even then, in our state of "submission" and "willingness" we are not lax.
We must be pounded.
Bent.
Over, and over, and over again.
And put back into the fire.
And smashed down upon again.
A strong arm with a raised tool, striking, and bending, and..refining.
Until we're ready to be used.
God never failed me or betrayed me when I felt that way.
He knew where I needed to go...He knew how far I needed to break.
But He never let go either.
His grip never became slack, and He never sighed heavily.
Even when I was pushing Him away simply wanting to breathe.
You can't stop and rest when your enemy is high on your tail, and when your desire for relief would have you supping with those that will take you in your weak state and manipulate you to their own advantage.
This spiritual battle may seem vague and distant to us, but it is more literal and pronounced every day for the One fighting for us...the one heaping us on His shoulder, and carrying us through...because He wants to see us stand in victory, even if that means He has to push us close to our breaking point.

Seeing Past the Standstill

2011-01-15T20:47:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like you're on a movie reel? Like God is up there, sitting at his desk, placing together pictures and words and sounds and scenes to make today happen? That life goes clicking by...or, more so like the lives around you continue rolling but yours keeps skipping, or freezes?
I've reached a weird place in my life.
So many things have happened to me over the past two years.
And so many things have stayed the same.
Good things have happened.
I've bought my first car, voted, started college, acquired a new job, two in fact, I have the opportunity this summer to assist my friend in taking photos for someones wedding.
All of these firsts have happened...firsts that make me feel older, more accomplished, more responsible.
And yet I feel as though my life has somewhat come to that of a standstill.
Like the changes that lay out my future have stopped moving, but the ones taking away my past (or remind me of it) continue heaping themselves on top of me.
As I lay here (yes, I am lying in bed while writing this) I am presented with two current situations that are both taking and reminding.
It scares me that I feel this growing numbness to pain and hurt as it happens!
Or does God continue to allow it in order to for me to learn peace and not allow emotions to decipher how I feel?
No, I think there is a difference between peace and indifference.
But it's not indifference I feel either...no, I think it is more like resignation.
There is nothing I can do to change this one thing that has happened.
My heart is broken, but physically, there is no way to help the matter.
It's a scary and yet relieving thing to know that something is taken completely out of your control.
To recognize that only God knows what is going on, and that He alone can intervene.
Regret is such a heavy burden to bear.
There is no way to answer all the "what if's" you ask yourself as you try to fall asleep at night.
I have this tranquil peace about my future.
I'm not worried about what God has planned.
I am completely confident that whatever He does have planned is perfect for me.
I'm not fearful about my future, or scared about tomorrow.
But...I won't deny that I start to feel antsy.
I start to feel...like somethings not right.
When I don't see things happening.
When I still don't know what to go to school for.
When I still don't know what my "ideal" job is.
When I still don't feel connected to people my own age.
When day after day I feel (outwardly, from another's perspective) like an old lady.
For most young adults approaching their 20th birthday, it is the most socially stimulating time of their life.
For me?
The closest people in my life are over 15 years older than me.
The conversations I dread the most are the ones you have at the hairdressers and the dentist office.
"So, what are you going to school for?"
"Oh, uh...I don't really know yet."
"You have a boyfriend?"
"Nope."
-awkward silence-
What else can they ask?
Those are normal questions to ask someone my age!
I'm feeling this pull.
This spiritual gravity.
It's hard.
I'm grounded in my beliefs, and I don't regret any of them, but I won't lie and say that sometimes I wonder if its worth it.
Because sometimes I want to feel like a normal 19-year old.
Sometimes I don't want to wonder if somethings not right, because of things that haven't happened to me yet.
Then again, there are things that have happened to me, that I never expected would, but I'm not comfortable sharing.
Do you ever wonder what's going on when things that you hoped never would happen to you do, and the things you dream of might never come true?
How do people without faith do it?
What do you trust and hope in, when life is at its bleakest point?
How do you rest assured, when you can't change something?
How do you sleep peacefully when everything is in upheaval, and life is at a standstill?
What do you do when your heart is broken?
I would not survive this earth without Him by my side.
There are parts of my past that I miss.
I miss being a child, I miss possessing that innocence, and miss my imagination.
And there are parts of my past I wish I could forget.
But when I think on those things that I wish would sink away and vanish from my memory, I am awed at what He has gotten me through.
And where He has brought me to now.
How sweet it is to drink the water of restoration, and sleep in a bed, resting of your sorrows?
Pleasant and delightful are the days that I am dancing in the light, mocking my hurt, for what it was unable to accomplish in me.
He did not allow
Defeat to take control.
He did not allow
Despair to lay me to rest.
And what can I say of brokenness?
It's momentary.
And it only lasts long enough to reaffirm every hope, expectation, trust, and faith you believed in from the very beginning.
The sorrow may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning!

For the adult that wants to be a little kid...for anyone that ponders the transition of our imagination.

2010-12-31T07:53:00.000-08:00

The saddest part of growing up is the transition your imagination takes. Gradually, over time, that child-like part of your imagination dissipates. The colorful, adventurous, bright, make-something-out-of-nothing part. In exchange it is overcome with the part that invigorates fear. The part that asks the bad questions.

It enables your worry, and fuels the fire of anxiety...Pre-envisioning situations and outcomes that have not yet even begun to come to pass...I miss the days when I was only pretending to be an adult.

That's not to say that my life currently is very hard, or difficult.

I am blessed, and I say that without hesitation.

Unscathed? No

I would still be an 11-year old girl if I had made it this far without being presented with the obstical of hurt.

What's that Marine phrase?

Pain is weakness leaving the body?

It's so true, too.

But it's pain nonetheless.

Nobody would tell you that dealing with it was easy, or that they desire to face it again.

I think, though, that there are many people out there that would testify to looking back on the hardships in their life, and almost being thankful for them.

If there's something that I've learned in the short time I've walked this earth, is that even if I never understand why God allowed something to happen in my life, and even if I never see the life-lessoned necessity behind it, I have always gained things through those experiences.

Sometimes in the form of people, sometimes in the form of strength, but always in the form of never-ending faithfulness.

But see, this is the real reason I desire to be a child again.

Not as much to slip out from underneath the blanket of responsibility I find becomes heavier with each passing year, but to gain back an innocence that seems to be stolen from us along the way.

I'd rather be scared of monsters under the bed then my emotional security.

I'd rather be more upset that the snow isn't the right kind for sledding or snow balls, then what it could potentially cause to happen to someone I love when they walk out the door.

When learning to float in water was my biggest (and most embarrassing) obstical,and the Hardy Boys were my daily entertainment.

Do you think being within the generation of kids that wittnessed 9/11 made us grow up faster?

Maybe?

I think for a lot of us, that day marked a new stage in our life.

In some ways, whether you label them technical, political, or simply historical, that attack forced us to grow up faster than we wanted to.

What will it be like when we describe that day to our own children?

What will they ask?

What we were doing when it happened?

How it impacted our lives?

What will we tell them?

Will we tell them that it stole our child-like imagination, and caused us to imagine things that had not yet come to pass?

That before that day I had no idea what the definition of "terrorist" was, but afterwards, became well acquainted with the reality of who they really are right now?

I can tell you one thing, when I was 8 years old, I truly believed war was only something that happened a long time ago.

I never would have thought that I would wittness years of it myself.

I never would have thought, either, that I would wittness my own country..the Home of the Brave, the Land of the Free, divided over whether or not to support our troops or our freedom.

In the part of my mind that still posesses that key to a child-like imagination I invision a time-mechine that takes me back to the places I can no longer go, to the friends I no longer see, to the games I no longer play, and to the peace and surety I fight to have now.

The days when my dad could do anything, and I could be anything.

The days when I could turn a barn into a mansion.

The days when "economy" and "government" meant nothing to me.

When internet was a novelty, sega was the coolest game, and Dinsey made pure, wonderful fairytales.

It wasn't that long ago, but if I could run into my back yard and use my arms to fly, daisy's to find my love, and the woods as uncharted territory, I would in a heartbeat.

Anybody with me?

.

Some Scripture I love

2010-12-21T15:33:00.000-08:00

"My soul faints for Your salvation, but I hope in Your word. my eyes fail from searching Your word, Saying, "When will You comfort me?' For I have become like a wineskin in smoke, Yet I do not forget Your statutes. How many are the days of Your servant? When will You execute judgement on those who persecute me? The proud have dug pits for me, which is not according to Your law. All Your commandments are faithful; they persecute me wrongfully; Help me! They almost made an end of me on earth, but I did not forsake Your precepts. revive me according to Your lovingkindness, so that I may keep the testimony of Your mouth.
Uphold me according to Your word, that I may live; and do not let me be ashamed of my HOPE. Hold me up, and I shall be safe.
My eyes fail from seeking Your salvation and Your righteous word.
It is time for You to act, O Lord, for they have regarded Your law as void."

"The sun shall no longer be your light by day, nor for brightness shall the moon give light to you; but the Lord will be to you an everlasting light, and your God your glory. Your sun shall no longer go down, nor shall your moon withdraw itself; for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended. Also your people shall all be righteous; they shall inherit the land forever, the branch of My planting, the work of My hands, that I may be glorified. A little one shall become a thousand, and a small one a strong nation. I, the Lord, will hasten it in its time."

Praising God, Even in Defeat

2010-11-26T16:27:00.000-08:00

"Lord where are Your former lovingkindnesses, which You swore to David in Your truth? Blessed be the Lord forevermore! Amen and Amen." -Ps. 89: 49, 52

That is just a small portion of a Psalm which last 14 verses are filled with anger, pain and hurt. Filled with questions and concerns.
And yet it ends "Blessed be the Lord forevermore!"
Now, I've always been told to praise God in good times, and in bad. That's nothing new.
But what struck me when reading this Psalm was this-
Here is God's living, breathing word. The BIBLE. The foundation of our faith, the core of everything we stand for. The book that tells us about all the right things we should do, and all the wrong things that we DO do. The place that oftentimes, reminds me of how imperfect I am, and how far short I come from ever doing anything "right." And yet this portion (the Psalms) paints a picture in my mind of men in much pain, men crying out for their enemies to fall, men struggling immensely with many things, and at times describing their hurt towards God, their anger, and their pain.
What I got from that this time, was that even these strong men in the Bible were hurt, and confused and angry towards God at times. It reminds me of His sympathy towards us. That His lovingkindness does not just follow us when we're following the Golden Rule and being the perfect little Christian people expect us to be. It follows us even when we're in our weakest moment. Even when everything in our minds screams against the pain we're feeling. Even when we've fallen in defeat onto our knees pleading and begging Him to change the way things are.
Even when we lash out at God.
Again I think of the simplicity, and yet...jaw-dropping reality that God desires us to wear our feelings on our sleeves in front of Him. He wants to know the truth of our anger, and hurt, and pain. Even when we know how we're feeling isn't right, He wants our honesty...because His grace outweighs any portion of "wrong" that we feel. His compassion lifts higher than any bit of defeat we accept.
I believe there is still a way to praise God, even when you're angry with Him.
Even when you feel like He's hurting you.
Even when you wonder why He allows certain things to happen in your life.
Even when you simply wonder why He doesn't seem to let you just forget about something, and in fact, continues to bring it back.
This Psalm is proof.
"How long, Lord? Will You hide Yourself forever? Will Your wrath burn like fire? Remember how short my time is, for what futility have You created all the children of men?
Blessed be the Lord forevermore!"
This man didn't give up on God.
He gave up on himself trying to understand why.
He praised God, even in his state of total defeat and bleak, if no, understanding of the situation.
You see, I'm not convinced that every bad thing that happens to us, always ends with us knowing why or even really learning something from it.
Sometimes all I know is that I am unable to process what's right.
Sometimes I have no clue, no direction, no guidance of what the right thing to do is.
Sometimes the only thing I DO know, is that God is faithful.
I don't believe Him less for admitting these things, I don't trust Him less, or understand less that everything He does is for the betterment of my life (spiritually and physically)but I know there is no escaping these God-given emotions.
If I had a formula for anxiety, or fear, or anger, or if I knew a way to escape or avoid pain, I would share it with all of you.
But as much as He beckons us, and challenges us to savor His sweetness, and live like the Beatitudes and 10 Commandments, He never promised to make us Angels.
He knows that we are trapped inside these minds until He arrives to sweep us off our feet.
That's not saying He doesn't work in our hearts, but I'd be lying if I said that one day I would master the art of absolute perfection.
I want to look at my pain and hurt and know that God WILL heal me. He WILL make things good again, and I will praise Him for it even now.
I want this wound to one day heal. I want to be past the point of waiting for the next thing to happen, and into the next step of knowing it won't. I want God to allow me to put this to rest. I feel like David, crying out that his enemies would be defeated...defeat this pain, defeat these recurrences, and defeat myself and who I am that goes against the grain of everything I should be!
"Blessed be the Lord forevermore!"

The Battle of What I Will To Do

2010-11-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

What would happen if I forgot?
What would happen if everything in my life that was and will be was dictated by my desires and feelings?
Emotions are an incredibly unstable thing.
"Swing" is the first word that comes to mind when I think of emotions.
The way I "feel" half the time is not valid in comparison to what is "right" in my life.
If everything happened the "right" way, then I wouldn't settle for anything less than my self to rely on.
I would never pray to seek an answer.
I would be utterly consumed with everything that satisfied me other than God.
Because everything I would "want" in life would be mine.
I wouldn't be sitting here worrying over my future.
Over what I'm doing in school.
Over who I'll meet...or if I'll ever meet them at all.
I wouldn't be anxious about my relationships with the people in my life.
I wouldn't be praying for those relationships to be sustained.
I wouldn't seek out what was right...I would only make decisions that "felt" right.
You see, there's this flaming battle going on inside me.
Inside us all, really.
A war raging against what I want to do and what I actually do.
It's those times when everything inside my head is screaming to justify myself.
Pounding out the rhythm of my choices, and begging for a resounding drum roll to reiterate why who I am and what I do is ok.
Why being offended, or being hurt, or angry, or sad, or depressed, or withdrawn is my right.
Why not forgiving, and not understanding is nothing less than perfectly fine.
Why bitterness isn't a choice, but an ultimatum.
See, these are the things I wish were true.
I wish the agony of fighting against myself wasn't something I was daily presented with.
But if I gave in, and allowed my sin to swallow me up, I would live as a conscience-seared soul.
This is the miracle of free will.
The miracle of love.
We all blame God for the bad things that happen in our lives.
We live every single day questioning why He did this, and how He could let this happen, and "if He really loved us He wouldn't do this", shoving away the elephant in the room reminding us that we chose this path we walked down.
We've come to a place, over and over again when doing what "felt right" wasn't the only option.
I'm not saying we ask for bad things to happen....I know I didn't....what I'm saying is that it's not an approximate fact that there have been multiple times I knew what the right thing was, but chose what I thought would leave me feeling...better.
"For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice." Rom 7:19
I'm right in the thick of Paul's cry.
I'm not referring to huge, life altering decisions.
But the way I let my emotions bend me.
The way I submit to how I'm feeling, and disregard the truth of what I know.
We're torn up people. Always fretting with the obvious, but neglecting what keeps us sustained.
Always condoning those that need no reminder, yet, acting as if our sin was but a nuisance.
A nuisance of great consequence.
If I know I'm like this, then why do I remain in it?
Is there a pleasure, or reason why the worst part of me, the part of me I wish no one to see, is the part that is most easily exposed, and most commonly put on display?
I worry about the state of my life regularly.
Yet, thankfully I am always brought back around to the inevitable...to the proven.
That as much as failure, and repeated falling is part of my life, Grace is so much more!
Against my understanding, against everything that makes sense...there is a paradigm of mercy and grace shifting and moving with every wrong choice I make.
No matter how far I bend down..it bends with me.
No matter how many times I lose hope, it reminds me.
No matter how many times, I feel broken, and lost, and desperate....it gives me peace.
If you can only get a taste of this peace, you will be addicted.
I'm not just infatuated with THIS, no...
I am totally IN LOVE.

"But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin." -Rom 7:23-25

"And He will destroy on this moutain the surface of the covering cast over all people, and the veil that is spread over all nations. He will swallow up death forever, and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces..." -Isaiah 25:7&8

More Than I Can Comprehend

2010-09-14T20:20:00.001-07:00

It's one of those days.
One of those days when things happen that you never thought would.
One of those days when you feel slightly empty.
I've been feeling that way a lot lately.
I always wonder what God's trying to show me when I'm in a state of feeling mediocre, feeling like I'm slugging along not really getting anywhere. And all at once I then start to wonder how I can ever get anywhere.
I start to question, "What talents or gifts do I really have?"
I apologize for the pity party I'm throwing...I'm not trying to throw any "feel sorry for me" vibes at you, sometimes, though I find it easier to hear God when I simply and honestly state exactly how I'm feeling.
Almost always that turns into a not so pleasant thing.
I'm so filthy inside. I'm so...wretchedly human. In every area of my life, without God, I am the epitome of what I don't like, the perfect description of a hypocrite.
I almost wonder, if my entire life I have been in some sort of shocked state of disbelief in regard to God's grace.
It's something I've always known, yet I'm not really sure if it's entirely possible to totally comprehend.
Saturday was 9/11.
As I was watching different documentaries and news film on that day I tried to imagine being there.
I tried to imagine standing at the foot of that building.
I tried to imagine staring up at it, while roaring fire and smoke was pouring out.
And I tried to imagine watching it crumble right above my head.
Then I realized...I can't even comprehend the size of the building alone, much less the sight, feeling, sound, smell, and absolute horror felt by those standing there as it (they) fell.
I remember when 9/11 happened. I remember seeing my dad bent over weeping at the sight. I remember watching the second plane fly into the South Tower. I remember my mom crying from the other room, "Oh my God the Pentagon's been hit too!" It was probably, without a doubt, one of the most insecure weeks of my childhood.
I look back now and re-watch the film.
I still cry at the sight of it.
I still stare in horror.
But you know what?
No matter how much I watch the film.
No matter how many stories I hear, I will never, ever be able to grasp the fullness of that day.
And, honestly, there's no way I'll ever be able to wrap my head around the massiveness of the death.
I'll never be able to wrap my head around the intense heat that caused some of those people to jump to their death.
I'll never be able to wrap my head around the last hour or so of those passenger's lives.
I'll never be able to wrap my head around the immense evil that took place that day.
The more I think about it...I'm not quite sure I'll ever fully be able to wrap my head around the fact that it happened at all.
That's how huge it is.
Whenever I watch the film of the planes flying into the buildings, the first thing I picture in my head are the people sitting in those office's at their desks. Quietly working away. They probably heard a low rumble, or maybe more like a high-pitched squeal. I would imagine that it sounds more like a freight train, though. They probably glanced out their window, with just enough time to feel absolute horror.
And that was the end for them.
I think about the 300+ firemen that died by walking into those buildings.
And then the ones that willingly walked into that second tower after the first had already collapsed.
They willingly went in to save others, knowing the great chance that they would die doing so.
Where does that selflessness come from?
How does that inhumane piece of Jesus pass down into those men?
The more I think about those incomprehensible things, the more I start to see the parallel reflection of the grace we've been granted.
When I really sit back and meditate on the literalness, and quite simply, amazing thing done for me ..for you, I can hardly fathom it.
I live every day as if I had millions more coming.
I drift along, hardly capturing the view.
We float in and out of friendships, relationships...barely taking any time in the moment to really understand what we've been given.
People die everyday, but I'm still here.
And I wonder why.
For what reason do I still walk this earth, yet some are snatched away far too soon?
More importantly, with the crazy fortune God has given me of continuing to breathe this air, what significance do I play in doing good?
What percentage of this journey do I spend thinking of myself instead of others?
Because if I don't spend this time loving beyond my capabilities (allowing God to love through me) then surely, I have spent it in vain.
For I am brought up from the dust, yet special enough to be intricately woven together for nine months.
It took God seven days to make creation, yet for reasons I don't understand, He needed nine months to make us perfectly who we are.
Why would He take that time if I was only meant to become nothing?
There's a purpose stamped on our hearts, and whether we want to believe it or not, we are stuck on a track and incapable of getting off.
We might put on the brakes, and it might seem as if our tracks are rusted and worn, and even worse...abandoned.
But this set goal, this holy purpose, is not easily swayed by God.
He thought it perfect to take nine months to create me, and so far He has thought it perfect to bless me with 19 years of breath.
I can resist and pull back at my attempt to cause life to turn out my way.
Or allow with ease to be brought through this journey to exactly where I need to be.
Maybe, if I do, He will make one thing in my life turn out to be something better for someone else.
Because this grace that I don't understand, blows my mind away, yet doesn't beckon me to become perfect.
It comforts me with the gentle reminder that God is everything I can't be, and more than enough of what I need to be.
I can't make sense of sacrifice, but I suppose it wouldn't be supernatural if I could.

A Great Reflection....

2010-08-31T15:34:00.000-07:00

I have much to reflect on from this past year.

I've been on a wild ride.

My emotions have swung to their lowest of lows.

And soared to a peak of impeccable joy.

God has walked me through fire and drenched me in a downpour of rain.

He set me out on a journey that tested every single area of my faith, heart, and mind.

He caused what I claimed would never happen to me, to become my reality.

I've questioned over and over again (and am still contemplating the answer) what is the Enemy and what is simply a trial.

I've been presented with the bafflement of those mocking God, even more so of those that pretend to live in this faith.

I have felt the shooting pain of flattery and the mockery of swelling words, with manipulation as the only influence.

I have dealt with my lack of trust, understanding that though there are many that will let me down, it's necessary to have those that I do trust.

There are many things I don't understand.

I don't understand the confidence some have to sit with you, eat with you, fellowship with you, yet only do these things for the furtherment of their sin.

I don't understand why God allows people to mock Him, and blaspheme Him by claiming to follow His Son, yet disgrace His name in every area of their life.

I don't understand the bravery of speaking your mind, regardless and uncaring of the feelings of the other individual. I'm not a confrontational person, but I have had my fair share of situations where confrontation was only the beginning of what God needed me to do. But brass, negative, harsh statements of what you think, of what you believe someone else is doing wrong (and telling them they are!) is not something I'm used to. And the times I have, I am thankful to say that usually God pricks my conscience afterward.

Something I am starting to understand BECAUSE of this past year....

I used to question why certain things happened to me.

I was confused and hurt, and couldn't understand why God found is necessary for these occurrences to be part of my life.

I was broken down, and questioned everything...my faith, who I was, the people around me..anything.

Looking back now I can see somethings that I wasn't able to in the beginning.

God didn't allow that situation to happen to me because He wanted to punish me, or make me depressed or angry.

He allowed it to happen because He saw the HARM that continuing in those circumstances would have caused me.

Mainly?

I think it would have taken me away from Him.

And I don't believe I would have GAINED certain people that I presently lean onto.

I wouldn't trade anything at all (including erasing that situation from my life) for what I have acquired through this hurt.

It has led me to my deepest confidants (that humans can offer, NOT replacing my personal relationship with my One True Confident) that help me through difficulties, warn me, love me, reassure me, and constantly remind me of my Savior and His faithfulness to get me out onto the other side of any valley I'm in.

I have literally gained an entire family through losing one person.

Nonetheless...that one person took a lot from me.

Somethings that can never be replaced.

But by God allowing them to break my heart, He has caused me to be unwaveringly sure of the fact that He is the only one who holds my heart together.

He will see me through to my last day, and guide me through every turn and obstacle that presents itself.

I am blessed by the pain I have endured, because without it I would be lost out of an entire family.

I am blessed by it because without it I would have taken one step forward and two steps back.

Because without it, I would have remained in a state of complacency, and status quo.

I would have remained a fool.

Remember...God doesn't bring trials into your life because He wants to hurt you, He brings them into your life to prevent eternal harm.

"Lord, it is nothing for You to help, whether with many or with those who have no power; help us, O Lord our God, for we rest on You, and in Your name we go against this multitude. O Lord, You are our God; do not let man prevail against You!" 2nd Cor 14:11

A Few Pics...

2010-08-30T17:45:00.000-07:00

Our Broken Selves

2010-07-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

Insignificance is a hard feeling to ignore.
When you feel like you're unsure of where you're going, or what you're suppose to do...but it seems all those around you know exactly where they're headed.
I know that's not true...I'm not trying to single myself out.
I have to think, does God allow that pride-jabbing emotion/feeling/place, whatever you prefer to call it, so that we can see how truly insignificant we are without Him?
That it's not about Him not using us, or about us even necessarily being stuck in a rut, but simply a revelation; even more so a consistent truth that I should unwaveringly be aware of.
That without God, I am powerless.
But with Him I am undeniably a light to shed all darkness.
A promise of eternal joy.
With a power to move mountains and walk through valleys that are perceived as nothing but despair.
That with Him I am confident in saying that those valleys...those heart-wrenching moments of raw pain, and transparent emotion are the very things that made me more sure of my Lover and inevitably gave me more joy.
Seriously? Yes.
Inevitable=Impossible to avoid or prevent.
Through those trials it was impossible for me to not receive God's joy.
It became impossible to not feel His peace.
His love.
His hope.
His understanding.
It was only a matter of time before my selfish desires and feelings were eluded by God's light and rushed away by the power of His truth.
Simply amazing, yet so hard to accept.
Unconditional love is always within our reach, but every part of me screams to push it aside.
Do you know why?
Because I have never once been satisfied by anything offered me on this earth.
I have never not been let down.
I am always disappointed by what surrounds me or what is suppose to "fix" me or "help" me here.
I have always broken promises, and everyone else has never fulfilled theirs.
Only God can do those things.
Only He can satisfy and love me with no chance of letdown and no chance of selfishness.
My friend's fortune cookie the other day read, "Our first love and our last love is self."
It makes me sick how true that is.
It's so....unnatural.
God's gift of complete selflessness....
I'm almost...scared of it. It's a foreign thing. Maybe that's why so many lose out on that gift, and choose to take their chances on whether eternity's real.
Because it's a rare thing for someone to lay down their life for another.
Even rarer...to be mocked for it.
So maybe, the repulsiveness of how we have mocked Jesus for an extraordinary sacrifice has made us disgusted with ourselves. Maybe we try to convince ourselves it's because we "don't need it" because we're a "good person"...truly though, I think we're guilty and scared of it.
This mystery of selflessness and abounding love.
Because the rarity of us actually acting that out...is almost nonexistent.
Praise God for what He has done!

"We stutter and we stammer til You say us.
A symphony of chaos til You play us.
Phrases on the pages of unknown until You read us into the poetry of prose.
We are kept and we are captive til You free us.
Vaguely unimagined til You dream us. Aimlessly unguided til You lead us home. Passed over and passed by until You claim us.
Orphaned and abandoned til You name us.
Hidden and disclosed til You expose our hearts."

Raw Honesty

2010-07-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

There is a place for sorrow in our lives, though it’s hard to know why.
There’s a silhouette of someone out there, destined to break our hearts, though I sincerely wish it wasn’t so.
There’s a time of brokenness I believe we all have to face, to move forward in growth.
Pain is necessary to show us who we aren’t and make us into who we are.
You don’t label someone a “strong person” unless they have overcome much.
You don’t seek someone out for guidance, unless they themselves had need for reason of guidance themselves.

If only life could tell me that I could have peace with out going through something that naturally made me feel the opposite.
But alas…there is a swelling difference between complacency and peace.
Between status quo and contentment.
The roots of a strong tree grow deep, but they’re rooted by what they’ve overcome and what they’re growing into.
God enables them to weather any storm.

Despite God’s desire to grow us through pain, He does not deny us the raw honesty of how we truly feel.
Does God call us to lie to ourselves, in order to put forth a noble front?
No!
He lulls us a sweet melody… a gentle whisper of pure understanding, encouraging us at all times to humbly state where we’re really at.

I’m torn, I’m broken, I’m lost, and often feel abandoned.
I’m afraid, I’m sad, and I’m lacking of much.

Still…

Despite every imperfection, He desires me.
And in all complete honesty, this I can say without hesitation-

“Jesus. You have won my heart.”

Your dedicated chivalry, Your consistent truth, matched by enormous grace and sweet, undeserved mercy has swept me off my feet.
Your patient dealing, with my ceaseless up’s and down’s has reinforced every true word of care and love You have ever spoken to me.

If I walk through sadness more than I walk through joy.
If I walk through hurt more than I walk through love.
If I walk through loneliness more than I walk through companionship.
And if I walk through tears more than I walk through laughter, I will be pressed towards hope, because I am given a promise of never being forsaken.
Each day I’m on this earth provokes a deeper longing to be with Him.
I have a Lover.
And He is ever-so much dedicated to me.
I’ve burned Him countless times, yet he still turns back.

An enigma? Surely.

“How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and hear me, O Lord my God; enlighten my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death; lest my enemy say, ‘I have prevailed against him’; Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved. But I have trusted in Your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.”
-Psalm 13

“The desire of our soul is for your name and for the remembrance of You. With my soul I have desired You in the night. Yes, by my spirit within me I will seek You early…”
-Isaiah:26:8&9

Faithful to Lead

2010-05-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

I'm excited for God to move.

I'm frequently jostled by my dissatisfaction of where I'm at.

Which I suppose is a good thing, in a way. I'm not comfortable in my spiritual state, but I'm also constantly restless in the physical state God has placed me in.

Everytime I glace out at the horizon infront of me, I look around and notice the scenery hasn't moved...

I yearn for God' direction, but so many times it seems my ears are hopeless to hear the quiet sounds.

I wish my mind would comprehend the meanings and purposes to every situation God has mercifully brought me in and out of.

He is faithful to carry me through, and abundant in blessing me, but it can be hard not to feel...lost...when you fail to see why he needed you to go into that place. I am blesses to have been put in those unfortunate circumstances, though, if only to be reminded again, that He never leaves me side.

How would I know I needed Him, if I wasn't caused to crave Him by my imperfect life?

This life is just a journey.

And everyday I walk along on this path, I long for Him more and more.

I seek His infinate joy.

God's passion for me greatly outweighs any temporary satisfaction I'm finding here.

Daily I burn Him, and daily my slate is wipped clean.

Strangely I wait, glancing around me for soemthing significant, when everything neccessary for me to see is obviously and unquestionably right before me.

God's intentions are beyond pure, they are intricately thought out and perfectly designed for where I am right there in that moment. There's a holy purpose and a holy meaning to every single situations and moment I am placed in.

Praise God that even when I feel pointless there is a meticulous (taking or showing extreme care to minute details) reasoning and intricate thought into that very moment of my life.

If only I could, just for a moment escape this human nature and see some clarity into why I think the way I do. that God would momentarily life off this burden of selfish ambition, and lustful desire...if only I could be truly freed of that for even just a moment, then maybe purity would be my only motive, and temptation wouldn't bother me in the least.

Nonetheless, I am comforted by the faithfulness of Him who started the good work in me...

Beautiful Timing

2010-05-06T20:32:00.000-07:00

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven...He has made everything beautiful in it's time."

There is relief in reading that. It's the sweet end of the bittersweet road we walk. It's the hope in our bottomless pit, the confidence admits the shattered pieces of broken promises, and the reasurance that God has a purpose for me.

A month or two ago, thinking on the thing(s) that are hurting right now, and trying to fathom the fact that it will become something beautiful was hard to envision. How do scars become something of beauty? Maybe I am cutting God short...maybe there won't be any scars at all. Now though, I can start to see the faithfulness in what has happened.

Have I reached the point where I can look back on this past year and say that it was beautiful? No. But I know one day I will indeed thank God for walking me through that fire and taking me into that storm. I might never fully understand why that path of dissapointment and hurt were neccessary for me, but if anything, it has given me an even greater grasp of security and comfort from my God.

"A time to break down, and a time to build up..."

There is a constant breaking of ourselves to build up the glory of God.

I am broken so that He can restore me.

I am sad, so that He can comfort me.

I am lonely, so that He can be my companion.

I am DISabled, so the He can ENable me.

I am made feeble, so that His strength can work in me.

I was lost, so that He could find me.

Don't you see?

Everything that happens to us...every negative, hurtful, sad, or difficult thing that has ever happened to us, was specifically put into our lives so that He can be REAL to me, and so that my life will in all ways give Him total glory.

Every new hurdle I come across in this journey sucks a little more of myself out, and soaks up more and more of Him.

I know one day I will look back, and be thankful for the hard things that happened, because without them the finishing line would be much farther away. Every new turn causes me to yearn for God more and more...every new heartache, and letdown fills my soul with a deeper craving of God, Who is perfect in all ways, and Whose faithfulness is extravagent and pure.

"O Lord, we have waited for You; the desire of our soul is for Your name and for the remembrance of You. With my soul I have desired You in the night..."

-Isaiah 26:8,9

Vast

2010-04-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

A Quiet Battle

2010-04-17T14:28:00.000-07:00

Never assume where someone is at in life.

Never assume what they've walked through, or where they've been.

Never underestimate the pain that someone has been through or consider their life "easy."

You never know when you are looking directly into the eyes of someone made strong by another person's weakness,

Made stable by another's instability,

Matured much sooner than they should have,

And become who they are by enduring a broken heart.

I believe we would all be in for a shock if we could look into the heart of those around us, and see the scars they've acquired, and yet so meekly keep to themselves.

A person that flaunts, embellishes, and exposes their pain ceaselessly, is often not the receiver of genuine sympathy.

A person with a quiet countenance, and a humble approach...someone that smiles through their tears, and encourages others despite the broken place they're in...are those that draw other's hearts to their own.

I can only pray to learn from these people, and hope God will work in me daily, to resemble any part of that. I'm so far away....

Pray for these people...these are the people that with God's help have conquered their pain, that God has revived. These people never saw "succumbing to their circumstances" as an option...

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you."

-Isaiah 43:1&2

An Outlet...

2010-04-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful God has given me an outlet in writing. Seriously. I think I might explode if I wasn't able to jot down my thoughts and figure out what's going on in my head (and my heart.) I think reflection is an important part in walking with God. Sitting back and letting Him slowly work His thoughts into you. To muse and meditate on His perfect truth. I'm never sure on what I believe is right and wrong. I'm never confident in myself. Funny though, cause I think that's exactly how it's suppose to be. When I have lost all confidence in my own ability, and my own direction, I am overwhelmed with the obvious need of Him. Maybe God actually has to break the confidence we have in ourselves to show us the unwavering wisdom of Him. So maybe...just maybe...that is why we are let down by so many people. If only I had felt that before I would never have felt let down before, because I would have only relied of my God to not let me down...

Through fire and rain we might walk, but to peace and assurance He'll lead us... Amen?

Gabriel Sage Shepard...Innocence In Tact

2010-04-15T09:40:00.000-07:00

So I DID already forget...owell. The little guy you see is my Gabey. (Ok, so not literally MINE.) He turned 1 Tuesday...this kid lights up my life! Seriously, he brings me so much joy...He has started to recognize my name, and that makes me feel so special.

Thank God for children. They never fail to make me feel special regardless of what circumstances I am facing. It is no wonder to me why Jesus sought after their protection and why He desires us to become like them.

Innocence. It has become something rare and valuable. Not often do you find that in someone's eyes. I think children are being stripped of their innocence earlier and earlier. It's a shame that so many children have to come to grips with the failures of those they look up to so young in life. That first time you realize people let you down is a shock wave. I wish we weren't required to be taught that lesson, but if not, how would we understand that God is the only one who doesn't fail us? The only genuine Promise Keeper.

"The moon will be as bright as the sun, and the sun will be seven times brighter- like the light of seven days in one! So it will be when the Lord begins to heal His people, and cure the wounds He gave them." -Isaiah 30:26

A Pic a Day (heh. Maybe. I'll probably forget by tomorrow)

2010-04-13T16:52:00.000-07:00

I'm going to post a picture a day to keep up on my blog :) I have stuff to write, but can't seem to find the time I need lately :-P Truly to be 7 again would be wonderful..no repsonsiblities and more a freedom to use my imagination...I thinking photography is something God has allowed me to use to..."connect" with my imagination...I guess. I don't know...I just enjoy it..not that good, but Love it nonetheless.

(Maybe I'll even go crazy sometimes and post more than one ;-)

2010-03-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

This site won't allow me to copy and paste...which really stinks, because it makes sharing what I write a lot harder! So here is the link to what I wrote last night...I hope you find it encouraging...God is wonderful.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Adrian-William-Project/106793734108?ref=search&sid=685758113.1032979417..1&v=wall#!/notes/marie-bouchard/my-hindrance/362839149269

I Feel God

2009-11-24T19:36:00.000-08:00

"And there is no one who calls on Your name, who stirs himself up to take hold of You..."
I want to feel God.
The other day I was in a bad place, and I was just feeling very desperate in what I was struggling with. The pain felt to suffocating and sharp...almost like I couldn't even focus or see any hope. And I totally realize that what I'm going through doesn't deserve such a dramatic description or emotion attached to it. However, loneliness would probably top my list as one of the worst feelings in the world. It doesn't have to be about a guy (or girl) for loneliness to be something you feel. Someone doesn't have to die to make you feel lonely. Loneliness comes in many shapes and forms and usually, for me, it rushes in completely unannounced and with a blunt force that knocks the wind out of me.
To me, the most evident time of the loneliness I feel comes in the midst of a trial. It's that moment when I know God doesn't fail me, but the stretch in front of me is so foggy I can't see past my blinding tears. When I know faithfulness is a fact, but sadness is so overwhelming that I can't comprehend feeling any other way. See, my loneliness isn't about wanting a guy's shoulder to cry on, or wanting someone to tell me "everything's going to be okay", it's that time when I just want to feel my Savior. I believe in His promises, I believe He holds me up in my weakest times, but I want to FEEL Him hold me up. Every part of me aches for Him to sooth my pain and brush away the last tear.
If there was one thing I could change, it would be that in order to build character, we didn't have to have our hearts broken prior. Again, place what you will there, whether it be a guy (or girl), a loved one passing, or just someone being taken out of your life for whatever reason. I think He has to break our hearts emotionally through someone that physically let us down to show us the faithfulness He brings in His promise to never leave us or forsake us.
Again, the hardest part for me to be comforted by God Himself, is that He's just a still small voice, He's pages that I read and prayers that I whisper. The absence of the physical presence of God is such a strong reason for me to give up easily or doubt continually.
Every trial I enter is harder, but everytime I leave I'm a little bit stronger. Every new one I walk through becomes a little bit easier through the grace of my Companion that never leaves my side through any of it.
So I was just wondering when I read that verse "There is no one who stirs himself up to take hold of You..." God never leaves our side. He's always right next to us. He's taking in all of our complaints, and bellowing, and dramatics. He hears us weep and watches as every single tear slips down our cheeks. He's sees us hug ourselves and look off to the side. But He's RIGHT there! We turn our gaze away and hug ourselves, but why don't we reach out to our comforter?! Why do we continue to bear the weight on our own when we can lean, and cling to the Sustainer? Why do we let this pain choke the life out of us and steal our breath when all He's wants to do is sooth it all away? We fight so hard to doctor ourselves, and figure it out "our way", but healing your own heart is a hard thing to do, am I right? Thank God we don't physically try these things, and trust the doctors that were placed here to do it. God breaks our hearts so that He can heal them, so that we can know He DOES heal, and that doing it ourselves only adds up to more pain, because we weren't meant to fight this fight alone. The comfort we offer each other is so natural and instinctual that it is totally obvious to me that we weren't given this pain only to cry by ourselves and sit in a dark room to keep it a secret.
It is a wonderful thing that I have come to realize that I CAN feel God. He comes through the people that encourage me. He comes through their hugs, and there love and comfort. He comes through when they hear your pain and pray for you, and walk through it with you. He comes through when I feel like despairing and wishing it all away. And when He brings us through....we would never wish we had been at a different time and a different place, because we see the necessity of the fire we walked through.
Something I would plea to you is this....
Cherish the people God has given you that care, that pray, that talk, and that love you. Cherish the people that will hear you cry and fluently remind you of God's promises. Cherish them because they are God's gift to you as a constant reminder that He does love you, and He wants you SO MUCH to feel it! I want to cry with how true this is! How wonderful that He does this! I'm just so overwhelmed by it! Tell these people how much they mean to you, and how thankful you are for them! If it wasn't 11:30 at night I'd be on the phone doing that right now! I see the people that are ministering in my life and I'm realizing that it is My Lover, My Faithful Companion ministering directly to me! How awesome and incredible!
Don't feel alone, because you never are!!!
Reach out to Him, He is walking right next to you!
Take hold of Him, all He wants to do is enfold you in His arms.

A Crutch and a Lifeline

2009-10-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

It's hard not to feel fear.
It's hard to ignore the fear and anxiety that continually nag at your determination and distracts you from the truth.
See, that's just the thing...there is no truth in fear. It's unfulfilled situations and outcomes. One of my favorite quotes is, "Fear is false evidence appearing real."
Fear is false evidence and the only thing it accomplishes is provoking you to believe in something not proved, and to lie to yourself that it is the truth.
The pure truth is that fear is a crutch which destroys many people, but when casting that aside, trust is what gives you strength.
You cannot prevent most of your worries, but by dwelling on them you continue to feed into that fear and expand a problem that is not yet "a problem". Why do we do that to ourselves? Honestly, what is the point?
I wish I could answer that question for myself, but the longer I wrack my brain for an explanation, the less of a logical reason I come up with.
I think fear is placed inside of us to show how little our circumstances and future are under our own control. Well, duh. Yeah. We can make things happen with our words, we can make things happen with our hands, and every once in a while we can change some things with our "knowledge".
Though I can't stop another vehicle from veering into my lane. I can't stop the inevitability of a possible disease that might seep throughout my body later in life. Or maybe not so later. And those words that can "make things happen"? I can't shift into reverse and take those back.
Now that I consider that, I find it funny. We don't fear the affect of our words until the damage is already done. In fact, sometimes I barely think about what I'm about to say, and then I walk away from that situation and start picking apart every sound that came out of my mouth and how I could have possibly just blown it with that person.
We never fear for others. Yes, we have concern; and in cases of cancer and danger we have "fear" for those involved. But is the fear not usually for ourselves even in those situations? I fear the death of a loved one, because it would hurt my life, and I would miss them and want them back. I'm not claiming we never have genuine fear for others, that's not true. It's because of our love for others that we have concerns directed toward them. I am, however, realizing how great the role of selfishness that plays out in my own fear.
Yes, I fear my own death, but shouldn't I fear the death of another even more? Shouldn't my love for another person compel me to be placed in incessant fear for their safety and well-being? That's no way to live, but, when I'm gone, I'm gone. Fear will be farthest from my mind, because eternity will have just begun.
No, I selfishly fear when God will take someone I love before He takes me. The pain. The destitution of the love and support that person once offered me. I find it ironic that memories are my most cherished "possessions", yet the most painful "resources" I hold. I never want to forget them, but I never want to dwell on them either.
When I consider how much real, raw fear I have for death, it surprises me how little I think about the fear I should have for the aftermath of those I love. That's another place I see the selfishness in myself. So much time spent praying for my own situations and needs and wants and "desires" and never the ceaseless prayers for the saving of souls. Passion for the worries I create and manipulate to become justified, and indifference for the eternity of many. I think the state of Heaven or Hell is so incomprehensible that getting caught up in the reality of it is hard. I wish it wasn't. I wonder how many more intercessional prayers would be raised to the One who holds the entire world in His hands if I stopped fearing for my unpreventable tomorrow and out of love fell to my knees in a will to know and be confident that I will see the ones I care about again. If all my fear was focused on the flames of Hell and directed by that into a dedication of prayer for others.

"I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears."
-Psalm 34:4

"While Jesus was here on earth, He offered prayers and pleadings, with a loud cry and tears, to the One who could rescue Him from death. And God heard His prayers because of His deep reverence for God. "
-Hebrews 5:7

Yay No Perfection Needed!!!

2009-10-10T16:05:00.000-07:00

Ceaseless temptation slowly calluses our conscience. The onslaught of overwhelming desires drive us past right and straight into selfishness. Lacking the will to take hold of God's principles allows us the excuse of claiming we can't help ourselves. Striving for good is no longer an option, because the moment we fail everyone will know we aren't the picture perfect "colored inside the lines" Christians we've continually tried to portray ourselves as.
See, the mess we get into when we try to prove our faith to others and show how "Jesus focused" we are, is that is takes the credit away from God and places it on ourselves. Claiming we've fought and taught our own way to this misconstrued "perfection." Let me state something else in that, too...none of us will ever even scratch the surface of perfection. Perfection is a black hole in and of itself that only Jesus Christ has ever dwelt in or physically lived out. It is impossible for us to enter and it is impossible for God to leave. Though, let me state this, also (trying to avoid seeming too gloomy and trying my hardest to state all aspects) the God who is perfect does not require us, by our own strength, perfection in return. He gave us the law to show us our lowly state and voided it to show us His eternal grace. Stop working to live up to standards and rules and regulations, and simply seek Him and allow Perfection itself to work in you. If God is moving in you, the very last thing He needs you to try and do is prove it for Him. It's called "self-righteousness" and it's the whole reason the Pharisees were looked down upon by Jesus. God's Spirit is quiet, meek, humble and kind. Whenever I've been around someone who tries so hard to put themselves on some sort of display of "Godly" behavior and speech, its always a bitter encounter. I find myself thinking that if I don't talk like that and act in that way, I must not be a very good Christian. I feel belittled and stupid...I'm sure all of us have at one time or another, but there is a great irony within that, if it is a Christian who is causing others to feel that way. This faith is not an act to be performed, it is a lifestyle and "humble" should be the word used to define our character.
You know, if this faith for so many people wasn't about trying to prove things to others, but was solely about God's mercy, then maybe during the times we see others fail they'll feel more welcomed to approach us for prayer and encouragement. Rather than shaming away out of embarrassment and humiliation. I'm not saying they shouldn't feel shame and humiliation for their sins, they should. But our sympathizing with them should be evident. Just as much as they have fallen and committed an act again against God, so have we in equal form...in excess and in never-ending repetition. We constantly re-juggle different rules and regulations to live up to a certain standard, but to no avail. The recognition of every wrong act we commit and the conscience that whispers that fact, was not given to us so that we might write up a plan or make a sketch of "The Way to Sin-lessness 101" but to show us the necessity of God, who takes away the sins of the world. If any of us could manage to perform our way to perfection, we wouldn't need God's grace.
I would encourage most people to not remind others of their sin (for that is evident to them), but to remind others of the joy of our salvation and the redeeming grace of the cross.
Remain humble in the many ways you approach others. Not as if they need you to be there, but that you are there if they need you. We always need to remember that each and every one of us is just as much a sinner as the next person and that "there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus" and if I am, or you are condemning someone else to magnify our own growth then we have both taken two steps backwards. Think of the magnificence of the way of God's Spirit and pray that He can move in you through that. If God is working in you then there is nothing you need to do to prove it. He will show others in a gentle way that radiates HIS glory.

"For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in our time of need."

-Hebrews 4:15&16

Psalm 77

2009-06-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

(The Message)

"I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.
I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord; my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal.
When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right," I didn't believe a word they said.
I remember God- and shake my head.
I bow my head- then wring my hands.
I'm awake all night- not a wink of sleep;
I can't even say what's bothering me.
I go over the days one by one, I ponder the years gone by.
I strum my lute all throughout the night, wondering how to get my life together.
Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?
Will He never smile again?
Is His love worn threadbare?
Has His salvation promise burned out?
Has God forgotten His manners?
Has He angrily stalke off and left us?
"Just my luck," I said. "The High God goes out of business the moment I need Him."
Once again I'll go over what God has done, lay out on the table the ancient wonders;
I'll ponder all the things You've accomplished,
And give a long, loving look at Your acts.
O God! Your way is Holy!
No god is great like our God!
You're the God who makes things happen;
You showed everyone what You can do- You pulled Your people out of the worst kind of trouble,
Rescued the children of Joseph and Jacob.
Ocean saw You in action, God, saw You and trembled with fear;
Deep ocean was scared to death.
Clouds belched buckets of rain,
Sky exploded with thunder,
Your arrows flashing this way and that.
From Whirlwind came Your thundering voice,
Lightening exposed the world,
Earth reeled and rocked.
You strode right through Ocean,
Walked straight through roaring Ocean,
But nobody saw You come or go.
Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron,
You led Your people like a flock of sheep."

2009-05-28T19:01:00.000-07:00

Do you ever think back over your day when you're lying in bed at night and repeatedly muse over certain situations that occurred? Think on the words you spoke and the things they reflected and how you could've spoken differently to make the outcome more positive? So many wasted words, and wasted actions that cut into our character and rip apart any self-satisfaction we once embraced. So many failed attempts to remain in hope and joy and charge forth with a goal to wipe out any frustrations and negativity you're feeling.
The Lord feels our battle. He hears our pleas of justification and sees our feet stumble over things that cross our path that shouldn't.
He sees us fall and stoops down to pick us up and carry us home. No matter how hard we try we can never live up to the standards we place over ourselves.
Contemporary love is that which feeds our flesh and joys in satisfying our sin. If we become satisfied in something we're doing, even though it may be wrong, what's to prick our conscience and stop us?
The shadow of things good isn't enough to mark who we are.
It has to be a desire and something we strive for, to search after things edifying and pure. Accountability to the things that give us a good character and place within us some level of integrity is what we need. Accountability and a will to strive for something better. Something that we know is more important. More important than this cul-de-sac of pity and self-righteousness we continue to run into and allow to direct us towards nothing and become relevant to who we are and what we do.
Good cries out, but is overwhelmed by evil.. What part of love was lost that to find it you must lose it? How many times have you not even realized the extent of your love for someone until they've gone? How many times have you not realized how much trust you put in someone until they've broken it? Why must it work that way?
Why do you sometimes have to find out a lie about someone to actually know the truth about them? Why do so many things in life seem to be oxymoron's? Why is doing the right thing usually the hardest to accomplish, when we know the sole focus of our character and integrity reflects the choices we make and on the way we choose to live.
The way we live makes no sense. We willingly indulge ourselves in things we are completely aware can harm us. Right doesn't matter if it doesn't benefit us. How selfish our nature is! We aren't placed here to benefit ourselves! What kind of purpose is that?!
To be humbly used by God for good.
That's a purpose.
I am unaware of what God can do with me when I'm close to Him, but my hope is that I'd be so focused on Him that my own realization would just remain and rest in His great work He is accomplishing in fallen me. That it wouldn't matter and I wouldn't see...but that the joy of serving Him would explode through me. I want to bless others through what God is allowing me to do in Him. A friend of mine brought up the point that our gifts are given to us to bless others..we shouldn't hide them or flaunt them. We should allow the Lord to use them through us to put them to use in the way He intended. Idk...it's all to complex...and yet, so simple. Isn't everything, though? If you read this...and you have something to say please say it! Don't stay quite, I beg of you. One thing is for sure..we have to encourage each other. We must.

"And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching." -Hebrews 10:23, 24

The Optimistic Battle

2009-05-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

I want to find hope when hope seems lost. I want to look into the window of my soul and see desire for the good things. Desire for the things that actually matter. No more shallow findings or worthless treasures.
A lot less empty words full of platitudes and cliches and a lot more words that show and speak of the love I profess I want to share.
Less time continually focusing on the things that upset me and bring me down and more time focusing on what I can say and do to encourage others and lift them up.
I want to find grace in situations where no one in their right mind would ever find any. I want to give grace and seek out how I can put forth my best effort of love and kindness...so much effort that in turn it becomes effortless in itself.
Whether or not that's possible, I'm not sure, but limitless goals are beautiful, because we never stop striving for them. Giving up is not an option in this race. It's not a consideration, because the importance of finishing and the finish line itself is eternal life.
When I come to the end I will be so full of joy and peace there will be no more time for remembering my mistakes. My eyes will be so set on and focused on the One who relieves me that all my negative feelings will promptly melt away.
How can I not look forward to that day?
I want to feel expectancy that cancels out my worry and puts to death any anxious thoughts that threaten to choke my peace of what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow represents the future time that God can use me.
I want my attitude to reflect and capture a calm serenity with an even undisturbed temper that joys in aiding to make situations better, not create irrational arguments with people for the sole purpose of proving an unnecessary point.
There is more integrity in stopping arguments even when being accused, then defending yourself and prolonging them though you are right.
I want to have no reason to be ashamed to look anyone in the eye and smile, even if they don't like me. I desire the Lord so much to move me in these things. None of it I could possibly accomplish on my own.
Forgiveness in and of itself is something so against human nature.
Forgiveness is all about grace. Even when no one would ever consider grace an option, it is.
Grace is always an option.
Think about it...if someone has done something that actually needs forgiveness, do they actually deserve forgiveness? At least, in our eyes?
As much as we (Christians, non-Christians) do forgive, because it's right, no one ever really deserves to be forgiven, because if they are in the position where they need forgiveness, then that means they've done something wrong.
And that is why forgiveness is all about grace. Even when they don't ask for it and even when they still believe they are in the right.
That is one of the biggest ways the Lord can work in us and use us to show who He is because His whole message to us, and everything Jesus Christ and Christianity represents in grace.
With out it there is no love story.
Think of where you should be and think of where God has allowed you to be, and think of the unfailing joy that should bring you.

"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so. Do not say to your neighbor, 'Go, and come back, and tomorrow I will give it.' Do not strive with a man with no cause, if he has done you no harm." -Prov 3:27,28, 30

The Mystery

2009-04-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

Please let me know what you guys think of this...Okay so I'm going to be really honest with you...today was one of those days. One of those weird days. Seriously, ever have one of those times where you are completely fine and happy an in the time span of half an hour you suddenly feel this creepy foggy type of saddness slowly start to rest in the back of your mind.....and heart...and spirit. It frustrates me SO much! Especially when I honestly don't know why I'm sad, or really have no reason to be sad in the first place. I think to myself, "What is wrong with me?! How the heck can I go from happy and peaceful to slightly sad all over?" It makes me feel like a bad Christian...I shouldn't be defined as emotional or confused. And...(I know you probably won't believe me)...I'm honestly not a very emotional person...at least, not about the small things and not normally in the sense of saddness. My thoughts might be flying all over the place..but it normally doesn't get me down. But, man, when I get one of those funks thrown at me out of nowhere...it gets me. Not only do I hate feeling that way...it's hard, in the moment, to imagine NOT feeling that way...Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how much encouragement we receive from the Lord. I mean, thats all He ever offers us! Only words of hope, love, joy, kindess, mercy, grace, peace...He never puts us down or condemns us or discourages us. I've been thinking about how incredibly cool that is..and it really has made me more joyful lately, focusing more on what I have and less on what could go wrong. There's more peace. I was talking to my friend the other day and we were discussing how easy it seems for Christians to be anxious and worry about the future. We all want to get married and have kids and have a great career and a nice house in a good neighborhood with a pristine white picket fence bordering the sidewalk and the sun shining nicely up in the corner. I want that. Oooh boy do I. I want to live Leave it to Beaver style.That sounds so good until it hits us...that thought.."What if that doesn't happen?"It's so easy to strive after what you want God to do for you. I want my future to be evident to me now, of course, only if it pans out the way I was hoping. I want to have the perfect "Christian" thing to say..and I want everyone to notice. I want the perfect friends and circumstances to walk me up and open the door to my perfect job with my perfect salary which offers me no financial worries of the future and grants me the opportunity to drive my beautiful car in the suburbs of the city of my choice. I want to never feel the grief of losing someone I love. I want to discover and embrace the aid of some sort of "happiness high" in life that allows me the constant window of "the brighter side". I want every choice I make to be beneficial and I want every choice to matter. I want no more pain. I want to never be hurt by someone ever again. I want all of those things...I want God to work like that.The cool thing about God? His ways are not our ways.Even cooler? His ways are absolutely perfect.Nothing can be added to them and nothing can be taken away.Why the pain then? Why must we feel that pain?Think of it this way...in life, physically, it is a necessity to grow. If you don't grow you die. You MUST grow in oder to continue living. There is no other alternative. Sometimes growing hurts, sometimes growing reveals something physically wrong with us. Sometimes growing mentally is hard because it adds the weight of responsibility to what people expect of you. And if we don't grow mentally we remain in a certain constant state of imaturity which then effects where and what we can do in life.Growing spiritually is the same way.We must grow spiritually for God to move us and bring us forward. And it can hurt sometimes. A lot. It is through that pain that we grow and become closer with Him. But no matter where we go or what our future is...He is in control of it all. It's all taken care of and it is all perfect. I don't need to worry about where it will lead me because it's exactly where it needs to lead me. Nothing I can do will make it more for me or better....even if it doesn't hold the exact image of what I think I'll need to be content and happy.In all this realization and all these thoughts that have literally in a sense freed me from so much worry and discontentment, I still struggle.The worst part of my strugge is lying inbetween the line of saddnes and joy. I'm striving for joy and I'm so excited about the Lord and full of His peace and love and everything within me desires to be wholly satisfied in that. Then that small prick of saddness pokes me in the eye. I don't want to be sad! But Satan does. It makes perfect sense that at the time I'm being overwhelmed by joy and peace that he would whisper in my ear discouragement and press saddness down upon my back..and what makes even more sense is that the source of the saddness would be something I couldn't identify. What's worse than to feel sad and also have no clue what to do about it! Grope for His encouragement. Cling to it. With everything you have hold onto it. Sometimes it's all we've got. It's also the greatest thing ever....for real.

Him...Right Now

2009-04-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

I tend to confuse myself.
A lot.
It's so frustrating when you find your flesh and spirit waring against each other.
"Ugh. I'm so mad...but I shouldn't be, I'm just being selfish. But they're jerks! Who am I to think that about someone? I'm sorry Lord...but for real!"
There are countless times throughout every single day when I find my mind, body, and spirit going around trying to balance each other out.
It's funny though, I find that I try to justify my sins by being really hard on myself. I know..it makes no sense, but that's what I do. If only I acknowledge how incredibly stupid I am God will pity me and void my sin! Eh...no. I must go to God and seek out Him and repent and He will give me forgiveness.
And as much as I am a sinner and fail frequently, I don't get anywhere by beating up my character and telling myself what a horrible person I am.
Sometimes you just feel alone and discouraged.
When I cry after my Best Friend, Lover, Promise Keeper, and Father what I receive is an onslaught of encouragement.
And that's amazing.
A violent attack of encouragement.
I'm sorry, but that is just the freaking coolest thing to me.
God attacks me with His encouragement.
And His encouragement never ends.
Can you even imagine that? Could you imagine that you had a friend that never stopped encouraging you? They never said anything negative, selfish, perverse, arrogant, or mean. They never put you down or condemned you. Instead, their words were lushes streams of calm, kindness, truth, trust, love, peace, joy, patients, understanding, beauty, grace, concern, and promises they actually kept?
And that would be all the time!
It's almost unfathomable...
Yet, we already have Someone who is that way.
Jesus.
In all that though, God allows us to taste darkness. He allows us pain and sadness, grief and confusion. He allows people we call our closets friends to betray us and hurt us deeply. (Ps. 55:12-14)
He takes us to valleys and brings us to places where we feel desperate, sad, and depressed. Those places where your crying becomes to heavy, so loud, so much, that you can't feel yourself breathing.
I really think that is one of the worst feelings in the world. You can't hear your thoughts, you can't see any light or hope, or way out of this terrible, bottomless pain that is overwhelming you. You want to scream, you want to throw something, you want to never feel again, never open up your heart a tiny bit ever again to grant someone the privilege of smashing it to pieces and leaving you lost and bitter.
Ah, bitterness.
It's ironically sad how you can go from loving someone more than anything to, because of that love, having the sickest feelings you can ever remember aimed right at them.
Bitterness is our enemy. It's also one of the hardest things to kill. In all that sadness and pain it brings around something that we almost don't understand until then.
God is the only One who doesn't disappoint us. He's the only one that will always be there for us in every situation and every heartache and every failure and pain. He's the only one that totally understand and can help us.
People will always let us down. Human nature will always set us up for the unwelcome. He wants our complete trust, and He wants us to want Him and come to Him.
Our friends can't take our burdens for us, but He can. Encourage each other in Him and what He does for you.
And pray for those who hurt you.
It's very hard, but allowing your heart to chain itself to bitterness and pull it in only harms you.
Understanding may never come, but freedom from the ache, anger, and sadness will.
Also...
Do you realize that as Christians, worrying is completely unnecessary? We have no reason to worry and be anxious because we know God already has everything under control. He already knows your future, and in His will His future for you is perfect.
It's exactly as it should be.
Whether you get married, have kids, stay single, or whatever- it's exactly as it should be! And as long as you're following God's will it will be sooo right.
Isn't that freeing? Enjoy where He has you right now and where you are right now . Worrying and wondering will only cause discontentment and stress. Enjoy the people in your life and the places He has set you in now.
After all- those people might not be there at some point.
Don't wish 10 or 20 years from now that you could go back and right everything you did wrong, or that you could go back and appreciate the people that were in your life before your future became present. But cherish those that love you right now!
Rejoice in the fact that we don't have to worry. So many people don't have that- embrace it.

Audacious Love

2009-04-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

Wow....so today was, awesome :)
Someone mentioned they'd pray for me for a certain thing...and a week later it's answered...mostly. I'll be the first to say most times God doesn't answer our prayers instantly. In fact, it can usually be the opposite. It seems like a bad thing at the time, but when they are answered we see His perfect work in the situation. Only one other time had I ever seen a prayer so quickly answered. It feels sooo awesome. Seriously...
You know you believe it before but you just say to yourself, "God, you're amazing! Thank you!" As much as today was a hard day for me in facing some things, I was so filled with joy to see God use this day to answer my prayer, and show me a wonderful lesson.
How ironic is it, that on the day we celebrate our forgiveness and Jesus' death and resurrection for US, I was given the sweet opportunity to look someone in the eye and say, "I forgive you." Trust me, I'm not claiming this in an arrogant way. I was truly humbled. I honestly believe those are the hardest three words to say. Ever. Especially when it's something that really hurts. Your whole flesh cries out to respond in every way opposite of that.
Oh, I've done that before.
In another situation I've become angry, sad, depressed, and bitter. I literally thought at one point I hated that person. You know what the worst realization of hate is? You can't hate a person unless it was someone you loved before. Someone that meant so much to you. Another thing...bitterness is a looong emotion. What I mean by that is that it slowly grows. It starts out small and slowly eats at you. it feeds on you like a maggot or mold. Slowly curling around your heart until you're infected deeply. It's also one of the hardest things to get rid of. It's not fun. It doesn't satisfy your feelings or make you feel better about what happened. And it is so not worth it.
As much as our human nature drives us to justify ourselves and "stick it to em" because "they deserve it" ...it is so freeing to forgive. Forgiveness is a blessing. It's not easy. Boy is it not. But the freedom it gives is like none other. And, honestly, it takes more energy and emotion to hate and become bitter and not forgive than it is to let it go. I've done it before and it's a long process. I don't want to be bitter..I don't ever want to feel that way again. Thank you Jesus for helping me step over my pride, and hurt feelings and instead walk away with Your joy and peace. The best part is that I know it wasn't me. I'm not big enough to do something like that...it was Him IN me....wow. Crazy.
Find a way to love, find away to audacious love.
Audacious love died.
And audacious love has risen again.

Isaiah 53:5

Audacious Love

Painful Blessings of Truth

2009-04-07T19:18:00.000-07:00

What causes me to blind my eyes?
The Bible says the truth will set you free, but the truth seems to be something we cower away from.
They also say the truth hurts.
Yes, it does.
So often do I discover that the truth about myself is something I'd rather cover-up and place behind a shade to avoid never having to face.
Truth is also inevitable.
Eventually you realize it. Kids realize it after they've touched the stove and burnt their hand because their parents told them to not touch it because it is hot. Eventually (and at some point) you are shocked and horrified to find the truth about someone important to you.
Realizing lies were more true for that person that truth itself.
There's that famous line, "You can't handle the truth!"
You know what? There have been deep, confusing times I literally felt like I couldn't. If I just didn't know that I could go on...
But "going on" and "moving forward" isn't about remaining in lies. That makes no sense. You can't go on until you've gotten past what's infront of you.
The most eye-opening part of that experience is that it's usually me I have to get past. No one likes being told they're wrong, or that they have to change their ways. More importantly, no one likes admitting those things.
But admitting is the first step towards overcoming and walking past. Not excepting I'm wrong means I'm not being honest with myself. What's true about that? When I finally heed to God's truth and to the truth of the fact I'm not always right, Truth can then begin to set me free.
Learning from truth is a blessing.
Growing from truth is a blessing.
The disappointing relief that stimulates your desire to grow in God when you understand and revel in what you need to do different is exciting.
I understand it's not fun to feel like you've missed something. But embracing the overwhelming possibility found in the truth you now know can be an incredible encouragement in your walk if you allow it.
God's truth hurts, but it strengthens.
There's a marine phrase, "Pain is weakness leaving the body."
The pain and revelation truth brings (good and bad) is strengthening your faith in Him and building up your defenses against lies.
Passionate security in the honesty of our God and the unwavering truth that He is who He says He is, is the finest black and white portrait ever to be displayed.
Crack open that book. There's enough black and white to last you eternity.

-I found this the day AFTER i had written that...cool!-

"We must dare to say that it is the truth that is ultimately uplifting and life-affirming no matter how negative it might be. Further, we can only know the Truth through the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life." -Edward Knippers

The Mercy of Grace.

2009-03-29T16:43:00.000-07:00

There is no possibility if there is no hope.
There is no hope if there is only despair.
There is no continuance if there is no reason to keep moving forward.
There is no joy if there is no happy ending.
There is no peace if there is no confidence.
There is no confidence if there is no faith.
There is no faith if there is no belief.
And there is no belief if there is no reason to.
But we all have a reason to.
We all want to.
In our hearts we feel that yearning, that dissatisfaction with who we are.
What lays down pride? Seriously, to have an answer to that question...
What produces such bitter selfishness and unprovoked arrogance in all of us?
If you can answer that question than you've unlocked the code and solved the enigma of human nature.
We all strive in hope, yet hit a wall when it literally comes down to sacrificing some of our pride and admitting to our wrong doings in order to bring about a better outcome in the most impacting situations.
The prosperity of hope, joy, peace, love, truth, and grace is something we all claim we want in our own lives, but we attach blinders to our eyes in an attempt to avoid seeing what gets us there.
Look at it this way-
You won't have a reason to hope if you don't admit your situation needs it.
You can't find joy unless you sacrifice some of yourself for the good of another person. There is no joying in you. Pride and joy don't mix.
There will be no peace until you realize, and come to grips with the fact that you don't have any. You must fess up to the fact that you're anxious about something to claim you've found peace.
You won't know love until you take your eyes off of you and completely focus them on someone else.
If you don't know who you are and what you believe, than how can you possibly know truth?
Last but not least, you cannot know Grace until you've discovered the mercy of the cross.
Take a look back. All of those things you want? They come after Grace.
Grace brings you the Hope of a future.
Grace brings you the Joy of salvation.
Grace brings you the Peace of knowing.
Grace brings you the most holy, sacrificial love EVER.
Grace brings you the Truth of who you are- a new creation.
Forever is an eternity. And forever is how long Grace lasts. The mercy of grace blows my mind away. You know what that translates to?

The mercy of grace
or
The compassion of forgiving.
Or the sympathy or pity to look past what wrongs someone has done to you! I mean, seriously, it goes against the grain of everything we desire to do! Someone hurts you, and because of that you sympathize with them?! Ludicrous!

News flash!
That is exactly what Jesus Christ did for us!
We fell short and we sinned against GOD, and He sympathized with us for it!
Don't tell me God hasn't done anything for you.
He did way more than you deserved roughly 2000 years ago.
He loves you, and He's waiting.
Grace is always waiting.

Imperfection and Faith

2009-03-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

Perfection is not something we can attain.
I honestly believe that is one of the most frustrating things for man to receive. Especially as Christians.
Everything we're taught, everything we read demands perfection.
Or so it seems.
One of the seemingly most simple, yet hardest things I've tried to retain is 2nd Thess 5:17.
Pray without ceasing?
For real?
Like never stop?
I could never grasp it. Whenever I heard that verse I cringed, because my very first thought was screaming what a crappy Christian that made me.
The impossibility of that task burdened me.
But now I'm starting to see it in a whole new light. Think of it this way-
Never give up.
Never lose hope.
Always have faith.
The faith in your prayers is what goes on.
The hope in what we know God can do is what gives us the determination to continue in them.
Bravado, high self-esteem, and pride is not what moves mountains.
The laying down of pride, or the complete belief and confidence (aka: faith) in God and what He can do is what does. Even better, all we need is enough of that to measure out a mustard seed and it's out of your way.
Faith comes from not believing in what we can do for ourselves, but what God can do with our belief. Prayers are expressing our faith and, hopefully our faith is always with us. And because of our faith we don't give up on those prayers that don't reveive instant answers.
We fret and break a sweat over all the things we come up short on. All the spiritual attributes and accomplishments which we never quite see come to a hole in our lives.
Wanna know the best part of Jesus?
He doesn't demand perfection.
God doesn't demand holier-than-thou qualities.
The law is not something we are held under and lined up by when we reach Heaven's gates. God isn't sitting there with a red pen to grade us and mark all of our mistakes.
In fact, I'm pretty sure He already proclaimed to us that our righteousness is as filthy rags. He's already aware of our failures and mistakes.
The heart is what He examines. We don't live by our legs, finger, or toes. We live by our heart. It feeds to every place in our body to allow them the honor to continue functioning and allow us to maintain life.
Where is your heart?
Don't let bitterness or broken places crumble who God has made you and where He desires to take you and how He wants to use you.
Love is what picks you up and carries you.
Not Biblical knowledge, or rituals, or the discontentment of always going back and checking your spiritual scoreboard.
Peace is being unafraid of what lies ahead and sure of the fact that it's all taken care of anyways.
Rest on that.
Sleep on the knowledge of Grace and Mercy and walk with an even heart beat that flows with the hope of love, and the joy of Something that can never be taken away.

The Hole

2009-03-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

Where does growth begin?
When does time override my past mistakes and open up a hole large enough for me to escape through and step into peace?
How often do we, as humans, search for that magical door that floats around in our dreams which holds the eminent place of spirituality and goodness? Clawing at it in desperation and searching for ways to fully contain it. Our knuckles have gone white as our grip slips and our hands become sweaty the longer and harder we hold on. Eventually we lose the impossible battle, and emotional and spiritual gravity has the last word.
The lowest of lows is the spiritual rut. The fall produces grime, bruises, and depression. You look around, but can't see where you are, and you can't make out enough to know how to escape.
Will (determination) melts out of you as you attempt, in vain, to find a foot hole to wedge into, and push yourself up out of the pit. It's impossible to become comfortable. The walls are too close together to sit down, it's muggy; humid, and pitch black. It's so dark your eyes begin to play tricks on you and you become scared. Drops of sweat drip off your nose and you close your eyes.
You think of how you got here. About what went so wrong that you were completely blinded to common sense and simple right and wrong.
Your thoughts shift towards Grace.
You picture the silhouette of what saved your heart and made love real.
You search for where you hid away that love and question at what time you ceased reveling in that faith that gave you such strength and hope.
Strength and hope in what you had faith in made you unafraid of what lay ahead, and sure of the right place it would be. Those emotions equalled out into confidence of where He'll lead you and what He already has planned.
It's easy to sometimes feel a little desperate not knowing exactly where you're going. But when you look at it in the sense that the future is past tense with God it makes it a little easier to breath. There is some sort of horrific relief in knowing that. It's also easy to feel convinced you will be led some place terrifying due to the mistakes you've made.
But you know the greatest part of this walk?
Jesus Christ eliminates those past mistakes. Even in the rut, His mercy is still there. And the moment I free myself from my pride and selfishness and call out for help, He's right there.
Always.
He's always ready to reach down His hand and pull you up out of the darkest and most bleak place you've ever been.
Freedom is found in the comfort, and loving arms of the One who can make the blind see and the lame walk. His hope is in the place where the stone rolled away, and His salvation has gone to the pit an back and survived.
Though, it is not attained by our own strength of holding on, but by our giving up and calling out.

Psalm 13:
"How long O Lord?
Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and hear me, O Lord my God;
Enlighten my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed against him"'
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me."

The Necessity of God in Us

2009-02-28T14:33:00.000-08:00

*Before you start reading, I just want to say that all of this I wrote down in reflection of myself, not of anyone else.

There are so many times in this tremulous, yet rewarding walk, that I find myself absolutely clueless as to where to go next, or what to do. Not that it is by my own power but, seriously, do I hear an "amen"? It's such a restless state to be in. You just want to hear something. You desire a big "revelation" to stir your soul, and minister it to anyone you can. One of those, "Oh! God spoke to me! God SO just spoke to me!" Sometimes we want, whether we realize this or not, to kind of be God's "little side kick" or "toadie." To feel wise, feel like we've overcome a great obstacle.
I want to feel like that.
I do.
I want to wake up, throw back the covers of ignorance, and plow the world with my understanding. To step over the mounds of people I think don't "get it" like I do, and radiate my "angel Christian" light God must have streaming off of me for all to see.
To bad for me, or anyone else whose thoughts might tend to reflect mine a bit, that whole line of thinking and behavior completely contradicts all those things we think we understand.
We never learn enough, hear enough, see enough, or know enough.
We are always in a state of being taught, always in the rut of not totally understanding.
It's easy to feel when you reach a point in something where you snap your head up and shout, "I get it!" to start to believe that your knowledge of something is now needed by God to let everybody else understand now.
But that's not true.
Don't get me wrong, hold fast to the passion you feel through the things God shows you. But, we must grasp something-
God doesn't need us.
He doesn't need our aid and "wisdom" to do what He needs to get done.
We need God.
And we need Him right now.
We're here to become closer to God, to have a personal relationship with God; so that as we become closer with Him, He can minister through us to project HIS glory. If we're following God and doing His will then He will get 100% of the credit.
That is such a hard thing, because we seek significance.
We, in human nature, seek appraisal, approval, and glorification.
We are "sure" to be noticed and held up to great accomplishments, and become infatuated with the false perception that having attributes and well doings written next to our name and added to our theological and spiritual resume will make us better people and more esteemed to God.
Finding false confidence in the points we add on to our scoreboard of "rights", we become so spiritually puffed up, that we are totally blind to the things God is trying to show us.
Our mind refuses to recognize any cracks in our own foundation, because we are too horrified at how many we count forming and snaking along in everybody else's. To admit there are any in our own would force us to fess up to the fact that we have absolutely no right to even be looking for and searching out other's.
That our stones have been cast in vain is an eminent fault. How sad.
Within the pride of life and the self-worthy conclusions we come to in everything, it is never more rewarding to search out understanding and pure, solid fact in how to live, through the One who gives our every breath.
Close your eyes, open your ears, and quiet your thoughts, and wait for that still, small voice that is beckoning to you to lay down what you think you know, and be amazed for Him to show you and give to you all that you truly did not, and all that you unfortunately misunderstood until now.

"I said, 'I will be wise'; but it was far from me. As for that which is far off and exceedingly deep, who can find it out? I applied my heart to know, to search and seek out wisdom and the reason of things, to know the wickedness of folly, even of foolishness and madness." -Ecclesiastes 7:23-25

Stand on the Right Side

2009-02-26T16:34:00.000-08:00

"By faith Moses, when he became of age, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter,
choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin,
esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt; for he looked to the reward.
By faith he forsook Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king; for he endured as seeing Him who is invisible." Heb 11:24-27

I'm not exactly sure why this scripture means so much to me. It might be the way it explains so clearly what Moses suffered by claiming to be who he really was, instead of what everyone wanted him to be. It might be, because it mirrors, so closely the same situation most Christian teens are in today. If you really stand for your faith, and believe in it...will you hold to it, regardless of how it affects your popularity or status? God watches so many people try as hard as they can to turn this "faith" into a balancing act. Try to keep up with the world just enough to be accepted, and keep up in Christianity just enough to "get by." Unfourtunately, the Bible cleary does not speak in blending black and white, but of an ultimatum. You're either in or out. You're serving God, or you're serving Satan. Thankfully for us, Grace is always waiting. It never leaves, and it is always ready to be accepted. Again, and again, and again. But, as Paul says, "Should we sin that grace may abound? God forbid!" No, absolutely not. Hebrews also says,
"Of how much worse punishment, do you suppose, will he be thought worthy who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, counted the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified a common thing, and insulted the Spirit of grace?..It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." 10:29, 31
Strive after Jesus. Strive after His goodness...it is well worth it. Serve Him, and He will bless you!
"Now may he who supplies seed to the sower, and bread for food, supply and multiply the seed you have sown and increase the fruits of your righteousness,
while you are enriched in everything for all liberality, which causes thanksgiving through us to God.
For the administration of this service not only supplies the needs of the saints, but also is abounding through many thanksgivings to God,
while, through the proof of this ministry, they glorify God for the obedience of your confession to the gospel of Christ, and for your liberal sharing with them and all men,
and by their prayer for you, who long for you becaue of the exceeding grace of God in you.
Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!"
2nd Corinthians 9:10-15

The Dimness of Life...

2009-02-19T18:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, so first off I apologize for such a....how shall I say this....depressing title. Life is hard right now. It's confusing, and it's painful. Things are happening that are very hard for me to believe, but believe them I must because it is reality. I'm holding to the expectation I have in Christ that it is in the most trying times in our life that He does the most refining work.
I find that, once you start to believe you really know someone is usually when you find out that you don't at all. By no means is this a motto I desire to put my full belief in, but so far it has seemed to be true in my life. As much as what is happening saddens me greatly, I am not the least bit shocked, sin nature no longer shocks me. However, it does scare me some to think that my flesh could lead ME down such a crooked path if I allowed myself to believe every lie, and fulfill every lust that crossed my mind. What if I did? I think, I so often push aside the knowledge of how powerful sin can be. It can lead you to do such evil, unthinkable things, that you would never, in your wildest dreams imagine doing, and all the while whispering in your ears that it is justified. That you deserve the right. That it's your choice, and it only affects you. That it's not wrong, and that it's really all the "good" Christians who judge you, and make you do this stuff. Lie. Lie. Lie. It's all a bunch of filthy, disgusting lies that we grasp onto in our moment of need, and hold to our hearts in earnest, because we want to feel good about what we're doing, we want to be right and at the same time get away with all of it! Satan whispers into our ears, "Do it. It's okay. This person hurt you before. You've seen them to the exact same thing, doesn't that give you the right? What's the harm? No one will see you do it. It's your choice, it only affects you, and if you desire to do it, won't it be a good affect?" Let me say something, the moment you question yourself to whether or not an action is right or wrong, the moment you're unsure...it almost always IS wrong. The Holy Spirit gives you that check to warn you.
Or, sometimes, when you have been doing the right thing, but it's hard Satan will take a different approach. Instead of justifying your bad actions, he makes you feel guilty for your good. "You're such an idiot. You screw up everything you do and nobody likes you. They all think you're a jerk and hate you." Let me tell you something else. It also says in the Bible that there is no condemnation to they who are in Christ Jesus (Rom 8:1.) If you're having condemning thoughts, or the things people are saying to you are condemning....it's not from the Lord. He loves you and His desire is to encourage you and lift you up in Him.
This walk is so hard. So, so, so hard. Oh man, especially when people you love seem to transform into complete strangers before your eyes. I start to think, "How could I ever really trust someone again? How will I ever know?" It is so confusing. You feel lost, and afraid to ever really believe someone is real. That they're who they say they are and that they won't change in the blink of an eye. That's one question I've been playing through my head a lot lately. "Is anyone real? Is there anybody I know who what I see is what I get? Or is there always a dark secret that lurks behind the eyes of them all?" I'm so honest with you right now, there are many days I question whether it could possibly be worth it to go on in this walk. When you feel like there is no one who desires what God wants it is very discouraging.
Thankfully, all we need is God.
He alone is our Hope,
our Salvation,
our Peace, our Lover,
our Joy, our Comforter,
our Healer of the most broken hearts.
You don't need to worry about picking up the pieces, trust me, He's already holding them in His hands.

Contradictions of Living

2009-02-05T13:40:00.000-08:00

Who am I?
And how do people see me?
Am I a person radiating judgment and irrational thinking? Do I reflect my feelings through love or do I reflect someone plagued by emotion and the conscious desire to better myself, regardless of how that affects the person standing next to me?
Do I live for lust, or do I seek a way to look past lust and see what it really is I need?
Is the past something I hold onto and idle on, continuing to kindle daily, so I can have some sort of pathetic excuse to become bitter and remain in a constant state of "feel sorry for me, my life was hard." Or, do I look at my past as a puzzle. Something I can learn from.
Is time something I waste to make myself comfortable and not "pressure myself" to think outside of the box and stride past the low expectations this world has handed to me? Or, is it something I take by the horns and push as hard as I can to use vitally? The funny thing? Living "comfortably" doesn't make me comfortable at all. It makes me scared and unsure of who I am.
It terrifies me when I think about the starving children in Haiti and realize that, I have absolutely no reason to complain about my own life, and any excuse I come up with is a big, fat lie. It terrifies me that sometimes I wonder if anything I do for those children will ever actually reach their mouths. I hope, that if it doesn't, God would somehow be able to take my prayers and reach their souls.
What's my focus for living?
Do I look at life as something to be great at, or do I look at life as a way for God to use me?
When I walk up to you, can you see truth in my eyes, or do you see broken promises?
I know my values, and I know that no one can make me ashamed for living them or believing them. My prayer is that, I will never hurt someone and be unaware. To never see, and never be able to apologize is frightening.
Love was not priceless, but lucky enough for us, it has already been paid for. Is it really so hard for me to share a free gift? I think not. The love of God never ceases, and it is undeniably the best to ever be accepted.
Grace flowed down the brow of Christ.
Mercy was hung on a hill for all to see.
Your Lover died in your place.
Peace rose again.
If I'm not inspired by That, is anything remarkable?

"Thus says the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel:
In returning and rest you shall be saved;
In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength."

- Isaiah 30:15

Of Revenge

2009-01-15T12:08:00.000-08:00

This is something, I think, we need to keep track of in our hearts. The desire for revenge leaves you feeling bitter in your heart, and bitterness is one of the most harmful feelings in the world. It leaves you feeling empty and gross. Ask God to relieve you of any bitterness you might have in your heart towards someone, because it profits nothing.

By Sir Francis Bacon

Revenge is a kind of wild justice; which the more man's nature runs to, the more ought law to weed it out. For as for the first wrong, it doth but offend the law; but the revenge of that wrong putteth the law out of office. Certainly, in taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior; for it is a prince's part to pardon. And Solomon, I am sure, saith, "It is the glory of a man to pass an offence." That which is past is gone, and irrevocable: and wise men have enough to do with things present to come: therefore they do but trifle with themeselves, that labor in past matters. There is no man doth a wrong for the wrong's sake: but thereby to purchase himslef profit, or pleasure, or honor, or the like. Therefore why should I be angry with a man for loving himself better than me? And if any man should do wrong merely out of ill nature, why, lest is is but like the thorn or briar, which prick and scratch, because they can do no other. The most tolerable sort of revenge is for those wrongs which there is no law to remedy; but then let a man take heed the revenge be such as there is no law to punish; else a man's enemy is still beforehand and it is two for one. Some, when they take revenge, are desirous the part should know whence it cometh: this is the more generous. For the delight seemeth to be not so much in doing the hurt as in making the part repent: but base and crafty cowards are like the arrow that flieth in the dark. Cosmus, duke of Florence, has a desperate saying against perfidious or neglecting friends, as if those wrongs were unpardonable: "You shall read (saith he) that we are commanded to forgive our enemies; but you never read that we are commanded to forgive our friends." But yet the spirit of Job was in a better tune: "Shall we (saith he) take good at God's hands, and be content to take evil also?" And so of friends in a proportion. This is certain, that a man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well. Public revenges are for the most part fortunate; as that for the death of Caesar; for the death of Pertinax, for the death of Genry the Third of France; and many more. But in private revenges it is not so. Nay rather, vindictive persons live the life of witches; who as they are mischievous, so end they unfortunate.

Unanswered Questions...

2009-01-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

The ways of man are so confusing.
The constant to and fro, the continuous cycle of back and forth. Never truly understanding right and wrong, but always seeking to better ourselves.
The selfish heart of man (and I find it in myself) is an obstacle I'm not sure can ever be over-come.
The destruction we bring upon ourselves in the madness of our rash decisions and thought-less actions is a crime punishable only by our conscience. The mental torment we put on ourselves for not thinking before we act is like the constant dripping of a faucet.
Every drop is louder, and every time the frustration builds up.
More and more with every drop crashing in our ears we see the mistakes of our everyday life turning into a whorl wind of missed opportunities and broken possibilities that our own selfishness has torn out of our grasp.
In those moments, the ability to do something right, to change a situation, were, again and again turned into something used to burn somebody with our words or actions.
Why is man so equipped with the ability to hurt others by our pride, our arrogance, our anger, our assumptions, but we have to premeditate and dwell on something that would be a blessing? Why does it take consideration to give the shirt of your back to someone, but our mind doesn't think twice about how our harsh words will affect a person?
Why does forgiving someone or apologizing for our actions sometimes take years to accomplish, but becoming angry towards a person is "second nature" and "unpreventable"?
The curiosity I have for these unanswered questions leaves me feeling lost. That is why I rejoice and keep hope in the fact and honor that I have been accepted by a perfect Someone who refines me.
I will rend my heart in search of a way to come purely to Him.

Isaiah 43:1-4

Something hard to find.......

2009-01-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

From my journal.........

"You know what's hard to find? Someone real. I want to find someone who isn't embarrassed and ashamed to remain who they are. Someone who is more concerned with staying true to their morals, and all the things they stand for than someone who is quick to change them to fit their surroundings and the people they long to impress. Who desire self-worth and clear-cut identity. People that are different are people who stay the same. It's hard to find someone who doesn't falter, mold or bend who they are to feel better about how people see them.
Truth. Truth is what I want to find. Genuine.
To live the way I know is right is hard. Especially when everything around me screams to "let loose", "relax", and "stop being so uptight." Sometimes it's almost depressing. When more people look down on you for your morals than encourage you, part of me just wants to give up. Part of my just desires to "forget about it", to pretend that those things don't really matter to me. That they're really just a facade that I put up and hide behind to block people from seeing who I really am. To make them think I'm a certain way when I'm not.
But that's not true. I am a sinner. I've been saved by Grace. And I'm asking He who saved me to help me along and guide me to be a better person than I am. The way Jesus lived is an enigma to us. We cannot even comprehend His goodness because it is nowhere to be found. But I'm striving to taste, just one tiny portion of that. I'm yearning to have just one small bit of that in my own life. Sometimes I feel the impossibility of that is so great that leaving it behind is the best option. But, no, God has called me to follow Him and seek Him in all purity, to grasp something better than this world has to offer.
My hope for seeing real love and good is through the greatness of my God who will lift me up every time I fall, and help me to the next point in my life of "seek and you shall find."

2008-12-29T15:25:00.000-08:00

God has shown me a lot about being truthful, and just. The Bible says to search out truth, justice and peace in your gates. I believe that once you are true to yourself, and to God about what your beliefs are, people, too will see who you really are. I believe being different, means maintaining who you are, sticking to your beliefs and values despite what other people may think or say about you because of it. Because, if you change what you believe, if you change the way you feel about something, if you bend to make people like you, or to make people except you, then you aren't different. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's the truth. I have found through this that it is definitely not an easy thing. When you find people looking down on you for this, it can be very hard. People you love. Suddenly you are a "judgmental" person for sticking to your values. You're "shoving the gospel down people's throats" because you're quietly not changing to make them comfortable with what their doing in front of you. But, you know what? God promised this would happen. He promised that if you loved Him and followed His will, people would hate you. If you're finding friends are turning against you, people, even Christians, are treating you differently, remember this: when you face persecution for your faith, how big or small, it is a testimony to the fact that you are living for Christ. You're causing people to be uncomfortable with the things they're doing, because they are seeing how you are living! I am not saying in any way, that we should point out peoples mistakes, judge them, make them feel small or ever believe we are better than other people. I am encouraging you to hold fast if you find discouragement in your walk because of the things people day about you, or the way they treat you. Don't change who you are in Christ! Ever! Remain strong in Him, and in the things He shows you, and the way He shows you to live! It is so worth it!

Jimmy Needham.....Benediction

2008-12-16T14:07:00.000-08:00

This is a very cool video.....very powerful......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSnltiQozVk

Okay So Thanksgiving Was Yesterday. . . .

2008-11-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

I realize thanksgiving was yesterday...but I still wanted to write about what I'm thankful for so here goes....

1.) The sweet mercy of Christ

2.) How cool it is that we can never stop growing in Him

3.) The window of opportunity we have to see something new everyday in His word

4.) My family. My parents are pretty awesome. They have somehow managed to balance the "allow you to make your own choices and be your own person" with the "you're not going to get away with stuff that contradicts our faith, or that we know you know is wrong". They've managed to be my parents not my friends which is exactly how it should be. I love and appreciate them for being that way. Thanks! I love you!
5.) This awesome family I know- the Perez's. They blessed me sooooo much this past year. I kid you not when I say one of the best feelings in the world is to have a child run with a huge smile across their face and jump into your arms, give you a hug, and say they love you. Feeling completely loved and wanted is soooo awesome! Seriously, with things like, "You're my Marie" "I love you Ree" "Ree, you're my best friend" and "I'm your baby" how could you go wrong? haha. I love Miannah, Kiah, Gavin, and Noah lots and lots and lots! Paul and Anna have been an extremely huge encouragment to me. Their love for the Lord, and their willingness and desire to encourage me and listen to me has really blessed me. They shoot straight with me though, and that is the best part. That's how you know someone is real, when they care enough to not care what your response will be if they know it's good for you! The ability to talk with someone and know they don't expect you to be someone other than yourself and not be judged at the same time is awesome! Thanks guys, love ya!

6.) My two best friends, Marah and Ange. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I didn't have their love and encouragment in my life. I have learned that it is so much more worth it to have a couple people who totally understand you, and genuinly want to, than to have a whole bunch of friends who don't really get you. The type of people who can look you in the eye and practically know what you're thinking. . . .it's amazing. I have someone who desires and wants to walk with me and grow in the Lord with me and will do anything to encourage me in that. The blessing of a lifetime are people who respect your convictions and nudge you along in them, even if you're not really in the mood.

7.) Marta. My beautiful, soon-to-be sister-in-law. She is everything I could ever want in a sister and I am beyond thankful for her and the great joy she is to my family and my brother. In two weeks I'll have the sister I've always wanted! Yay for me!!!!! 8-)

8.) My pets. 8-) What can I say? I love my dogs and kitty! They always act like I've been gone for ten years when I walk in the door, and will always snuggle with me and give me love, even if I'm not feeling it from anywhere else.

9.) My church family!! I have been going to the same church for....let me see....thirteen years. Although we are not in the same building (and I miss it! *sniffle*) and our name is not even the same (looooooong story) it is the same family. The people bless me. I've grown up with a portion of them, and the memories are endless.....funny, thoughtful, and loving. Being a kid (a PK kid at that) we (all the PK and elder's kids) would be stuck at church from nine in the morning to sometimes seven at night. It was seriously a blast though. We'd kill time by playing "mop the deck, hit the deck", marco polo, ghost in the graveyard, cards, or just sitting around waiting. Sometimes I really wish I could go back.

10.) Speaking of all that.....memories. I am sooo thankful for memories. haha...I can't even go into that!

K, well I could go on and on and on....but I just wanted to lay out the things that are most valuable and precious to me....

What's Your Real Hearts Desire?

2008-11-25T15:46:00.000-08:00

It's funny, cuz the more I focus on my true heart's desire, which is desiring that God would be able to do something through me to benefit His Kingdom, the more I find my mind focused on Him. Nowadays for the teenage Christian girl the hearts desire is all, "Oh, I want to get married, and I want to have kids, and I want to have a good job, and lots of friends. That's what I desire, and the Bible says He'll give you the desires of your heart, right?" Yes. It does. But It also says right before that ifyou delight yourself in Him then He will give you the desires of your heart. I think half the time Christians don't even realize what they truly desire. I thought those things were my desires, and of course I want them to happen, but it hit me so plainly in the face, that if my focus is the Lord and His will, my desires will top over the earthly, shallow, romance-novel desires and explode into the real, God-driven desires Jesus so obviously sets before us when He talked. My hearts desires will no longer remain in the cubby-hole space being occupied by self-indulgence and the physical wants of my life. It will move past what I want God to do in my life, and shift forward into the next room of seeing what I need God to do in my life to make me more like Him. For all I know, maybe I'm taking the scripture "God will give you the desires of your heart" out of context, I don't mean to. But it has always been a wonder to me why so many people's "desires" are never fulfilled, and why wouldn't they if God never breaks His promise, that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever, that He is unchangeable, and that He never tempts? Because it seems to me it would break all of those. In something else I wrote, I said something like, "The convictions we have and the choices we make about those convictions brushes out the strokes of our spiritual life and paints the picture of where we'll go...." We all have convictions, but we're not forced to live by them. It's especially hard when Christians themselves can tend to throw your convictions back in your face as something almost to feel guilty about...it would be so easy to drop them to the ground and drowned out the prodding of the Holy Spirit, but you'll only find out later down the road that you could have grown so much farther if you'd listened.

It's Black and White...Not Grey....

2008-11-19T10:27:00.000-08:00

This Christian “life” is so bent.
The desire for the knowledge of God is overcome and swept away by the desire for self-indulgence and lustful prosperity.
The fence that separates the road God demands us to take and the road the world takes is being torn down by “Christians” themselves seeking a thicker line and a greyer world to reside in.
Where does this lead?
There is so excuse. (Rom. 1:20&21)
Trying to “blend for Christ” doesn’t work because if there is anything the word of God is adamant about it is that you can not be lukewarm. There is no furtherance , there is no continuation in your walk with God in a life that never answers what you believe. There is no way to know God more or grow in God if you never answer what the truth is. If you never understand the truth of your convictions and beliefs and read the word you will always remain in spiritual bondage, because the truth is what sets you free. (John 8:32)
If we know one thing, we say one thing, but we refuse to acknowledge that one thing outwardly, what does it do?
It’s dormant.
It remains useless and lifeless. There is no good knowing something if you refuse to admit you believe it. There is nothing more pathetic to me than someone afraid of their beliefs. (Though I have done it more than I care to admit.) Why believe them if you’re not even sure you care? I’ve chosen because of my beliefs to make the box that once contained my spiritual fruit to be pried open by God and exploded through the reading of the Bible and prayer turned into a lifestyle.
To be closer to God, so that He may use me to further His Kingdom is something I purely strive after and seek to be expanded. It’s not an infatuation. It not a joke, or a show.
It’s real.
It’s my desire.
The popularity of the choices I’m influenced to make to compromise my faith and “feel what’s right” is so disgusting in my eyes, because I know that I know I can do something better than that.
Powerful thinking doesn’t cut it, study guides, notes, and the Hebrew meanings don’t cut it. Fear of God, surrender, and mercy, sweet, undeserved mercy is what cuts it. It’s more that I deserve and could ask for. So do any of us, really, have the audacity to spit in God’s face and claim we don’t need Him? I think not.
Peace that passes understanding and wisdom, are not acquired, they’re given.
The freedom we have to be all that we can for God, is my motivation.

What this blog is......

2008-11-14T17:59:00.000-08:00

This blog is literally just a place for me to store my thoughts. 8-) My focus and purpose is to live my life according to the will of God. I'm a seventeen year old homeschooled girl living about an hour outside of Buffalo, I LOVE the Sabres and the Bills, I'm a born-again Christian, and I work at a bulk food store! I'm currently attempting to be the maid of honor for my brothers wedding, and am a senior in high school. Soooooo yeah.....that's about it. Thanks for visiting!